Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?

   I don't have a drinking problem, if anything I'm too damn good at it.

   I put my pants on just like every other man... With my woman telling me I'm doing it all wrong.

   Well, the New US Congress finished its first real day of work. There's probably a motion on the floor now to take the rest of the year off.

   I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.

   Hey girls wearing camoflauge, you can't hide the slutty with that.

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it.

   A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.

   I hate when I ask the person beside me to pass me some toilet paper & they start begging the flight attendant to let them switch seats.

   I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...

   People that say relationships are easy have probably never been in a real relationship. Cats don’t count.

   I used to say that no one could be that stupid. Then I met you. I don't say that anymore.

   The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...

   Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!

   "We have to get together sometime!" is a just another way of saying, "I regret running into you."

   I have not heard a single person mention a music video in the discussion of last night's VMAs.

   my signature move is to get her too tangled up in the sheets to escape.

   When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.

   If you don't feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend... you're not doing it right.

   Started out with nothing and still have most of it.