Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." Others begin with "If elected, I promise..."

   Just got my first shot and going to get another one just as soon as I can get the waitresses attention.

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.

   If you're constantly stirring the pot, not only should you be required to lick the spoon, but also have that spoon jammed up your butt. Perhaps that's your goal anyways.

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.

   If it isn't broken, fix it until it is. 🛠

   “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain

   Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.

   I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss

   A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth

   I hate when we go on a weekend trip and my wife forgets to pack her vagina.

   Sold my homing pigeon 142 times last year on eBay.

   I’m all about unity between the human race and truly believe it’s time we all wake up and realize that we’re all in this together. But when a “artist” wins an award at the VMA’s and thanks God and Justin Bieber in the same breath... It makes

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?

   The Lexus commercials with the Christmas bow on the car never show the pissed off wife yelling "You're an idiot Tom! We can't afford this!"

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.