Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my damn goals for the day.

   Accidentally hit the panic/alarm button on the car key and promptly panicked.......... So, it works.

   Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key

   Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and azzholes, and anybody else I left out.

   The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. Just great. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.

   I'm glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."

   I must say my Facebook experience has been made exponentially better by the larger tool bar at the top, and the notifications icons moved from the left side to the right side of the screen!!

   That guy just told his girlfriend, "But, I didn't do anything."......Lmao...... He's young. He'll learn.

   The royal baby is a day old and is still more interesting than the Kardashian family, kanye west, and Lindsey Lohan combined

   It's hilarious when textbooks try too hard at being racially diverse. "Brad, Latisha, Pablo and Kwan were doing a math problem..."

   When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.

   Not gonna lie about the sexual tension between me and this double meat, bacon and extra cheese burger............. It is what it is.

   Today is the kind of day where I shouldn't leave the house unless I have Yoshi and like three extra lives.

   If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

   No, that dress doesn't make you seem fat...but your dependence on others' opinions definitely makes you seem shallow."

   I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.

   Not sure if "swag/yolo" finally died off, or something worse is coming

   I don't know why people get embarrassed when they take a magazine to the toilet, you should see the looks I get when I take my plunger.

   The ultimate home security system is just having crappy stuff.

   I get very competitive at all you can eat buffets.