Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry your internet boyfriend cheated on you. I hope your husband will dry your tears.

   Most people need a reason to drink, I need a reason not to drink.

   I have seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

   “I'm an adult! I can do whatever the hell I want.” No, not you married people. Sit back down. You're just being silly now.

   Halloween on Humpday......I like where this is going.

   Who else finds it incredibly hot when your partner stays awake during sex?

   Seriously, if Liam Neeson was my dad I'd start so much crap with people...

   Anything that requires my presence before 4 pm on a weekend is an obligation, not recreation...

   No matter where I hide the chocolates, I always seem to find them.

   Nothing hides your feelings like the backspace key

   Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and azzholes, and anybody else I left out.

   The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. Just great. If aliens ever attack, we've already surrendered.

   I'm glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."

   I must say my Facebook experience has been made exponentially better by the larger tool bar at the top, and the notifications icons moved from the left side to the right side of the screen!!

   That guy just told his girlfriend, "But, I didn't do anything."......Lmao...... He's young. He'll learn.

   The royal baby is a day old and is still more interesting than the Kardashian family, kanye west, and Lindsey Lohan combined

   It's hilarious when textbooks try too hard at being racially diverse. "Brad, Latisha, Pablo and Kwan were doing a math problem..."

   When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you've proven that you are not an idiot.

   Not gonna lie about the sexual tension between me and this double meat, bacon and extra cheese burger............. It is what it is.

   I may be on Santa's naughty list but at least I had fun getting there.