Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   u can find smart guys in every corner of the earth..unfortunately the earth is round..

   Judging by the lack of Fathers Day cards I received in the mail today, I'm guessing your m0m never told you.

   If "Vampire In Brooklyn" had been a bigger hit, we could have all lived the rest of our lives without these damn "Twilight" movies .

   So yeah I just went outside and I'm pretty sure I won't be doing that again until at least October.

   Scientists at Lake Tahoe are fighting off a clam invasion.. Or to use scientific terms, "Lilith Fair"

   it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all?......no it is NOT!

   Profiling: when police stop only the cars that are driving on the sidewalk.

   When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

   if it were not for mimosa's...I would not reach my daily recommended allowance of Vitamin C

   219 facebook friends but only 60 numbers saved in my cell phone am I missing something here? who are these people?

   As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point up

   in America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary

   got his test results back this morning and is shocked to find that he's been diagnosed with OCD. He's called the doctors nine times to check if they're correct....

   This vacuum has amazing suction, but no respect for my safe word.

   The first rule of becoming a ninja is to make loud unnecessary noises when you hit things!!!

   You say my driving is out of control, I say my driving is well-planned and that particular moves require extreme skill and big balls.

   awkward moment: browsing Facebook friend suggestions and seeing people you used to be friends with who have unfriended you... Hey, you asked me!!!

   According to a to a recent UCLA study, surfing the Internet stimulates the brain. And certian sites stimulate other parts of the body.

   wants to remind you that we only have to be good for one more day.

   wants a "people you may find attractive and would hook up with" section on facebook. it'd make things so much easier.