Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The awkward moment where you predict the end of the world, and nothing happens.

   Congressman Weiner was apparently also sexting a porn star. When asked how they ended up involved with someone in such a sleazy profession, the porn star said "I don't know."

   If you ever think your invention idea is stupid and won't make money, simply remember how many people bought a Snuggie.

   If you don't like the way I think, simple Unfriend me, as my day, life, won't stop because of it.

   You are like Monday...nobody likes you!

   I tell people to have a great weekend at noon on Mondays hoping they won't talk to me for the rest of the week.

   Since the groundhog lied this year, I don't feel bad telling you all that groundhog tastes like chicken

   I think I like your name more than your post...yeah you below me v v

   BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy

   Why is it that the seats on airplanes can be used as a floatation device? I'd feel much safer if it could be used as a parachute.

   I think this shameless self-promotion on Facebook has gotten out of control. BTW: I am awesome.

   Just want to let you all know what the new Google homepage logo is all about. It is to celebrate the 200th birthday of Robert Bunsen who invented the Bunsen burner. So calm down all you local junkies...it is NOT a Meth lab!!!

   I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p. I've adjusted the price to cover inflation.

   I just had my most disturbing nighmare ever....I was gagged, tied and forced to watch "The View!"

   hates people who try to straighten their glasses with grimaces

   Being an adult means going to the grocery store, paying a ton of money and still having nothing to eat.

   A great relationship is based on two main principles. First, appreciate your similarities and second, respect your differences.

   should've known it wasn't going to work out between me and my ex. I'm a Leo and he's an A$$hole.

   If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying.

   When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.