Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.

   You completed your online degree with a 3.5 and no one will hire you? Shocking...

   There's no way that scientists can prove to me that pterodactyls didn't pronounce the p

   I wonder if the spouses of umpires get thrown out of the house for arguing.

   It's weird how you can listen to a song, and it brings you back to a time and place you want to forget. Yet you miss it at the same time.

   To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.

   Happy Thursday to all my married friends.

   I have OCD and ADD. Which means everything has to be perfect, but not for very long.

   Facebook: A place where someone will send you endless invites to play games, but won't invite you to their party.

   Seemed to cruel to get my dog fixed. So instead I got him a really crappy haircut. And now he can't even get a date.

   Those who like me, raise your hand. Those who don’t, raise your standards.

   To really scare Kim Jon Umm the U.S. should station a Carnival cruise ship off the sea of North Korea

   I'm not really anti abortion, I'm more pro stupid people not having babies...

   i don’t understand shark movies I mean just get out of the water.

   Facebook needs a 'Wow that's the dumbest f*cking thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat' button.

   I broke a light bulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles..... Fly is dead.

   When will companies understand their packaging is being opened by human beings not robots?

   Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It's just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about.

   The best things about celebrating the holiday with family as you get older is the kids table now contains alcohol.

   I'm an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.