Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has anyone tried to unplug and plug back in the Governmen?

   No thanks polygamy. One wife is too many.

   Ill be thankful when this thankful month is over

   In further keeping with the new American tradition of ruining holidays by starting them early and hurrying them along...I put up all my Christmas decorations yesterday, and took them back down this morning.

   How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?

   California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.

   I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he's really in trouble.”

   The only man in history to be called a jackass by the president of The United States is Kanye West

   If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying

   I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.

   99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't like anymore

   Come on people! It's 2015...you should know by now how to NOT use the 'Reply to All' in an email.

   If you heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another, then that information might of come from the same person that was in that REO Speedwagon song.

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those 'eat right and exercise' fads.

   I hate when I tell someone I'm bored, and they suggest getting together. Then I have to explain that I'm not quite that bored.

   Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute and everybody loses their sh*t!

   If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   Let's be honest,, At some point, you'd think there'd be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City's penitentiaries.

   I show people I love them by not spending time with them. It’s the best thing I can offer.

   My favorite part of the bible is the part where that old guy is like "We're gonna need a bigger boat"