Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that the seats on airplanes can be used as a floatation device? I'd feel much safer if it could be used as a parachute.

   I think this shameless self-promotion on Facebook has gotten out of control. BTW: I am awesome.

   Just want to let you all know what the new Google homepage logo is all about. It is to celebrate the 200th birthday of Robert Bunsen who invented the Bunsen burner. So calm down all you local junkies...it is NOT a Meth lab!!!

   I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p. I've adjusted the price to cover inflation.

   I just had my most disturbing nighmare ever....I was gagged, tied and forced to watch "The View!"

   hates people who try to straighten their glasses with grimaces

   Being an adult means going to the grocery store, paying a ton of money and still having nothing to eat.

   When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holding an umbrella.

   Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.

   Well darn , looks like William and Kate are not registered at Walmart . Looks like I won't be able to get them that 48 pack of Orville Redenbacher

   At night, I secretly delete people on your page while you are asleep that might be potential flirters. You call it insecurity, but I call it job security…you're welcome!

   Having a wireless mouse makes it way too tempting to throw it across the room when my computer gives me trouble."

   I can't even imagine what people did at red lights before cellphones.

   The awkward moment where you predict the end of the world, and nothing happens.

   Congressman Weiner was apparently also sexting a porn star. When asked how they ended up involved with someone in such a sleazy profession, the porn star said "I don't know."

   If you ever think your invention idea is stupid and won't make money, simply remember how many people bought a Snuggie.

   If you don't like the way I think, simple Unfriend me, as my day, life, won't stop because of it.

   You are like Monday...nobody likes you!

   at my age it's not my cereal, but my body that goes SNAP, CRACKLE and POP!

   the next time someone says "I don't know whether to laugh or cry"... kick 'em in the shins really hard so they'll know for sure.