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Funny Status Messages for Facebook

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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X says I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
←Rate | 01-18-2015 22:30 Comments (0)


X says Some of these might actually be funny if you idiots could spell.
←Rate | 06-01-2015 17:39 Comments (0)


X says They let an Asian drive the plane?
←Rate | 03-18-2014 14:00 Comments (0)


X My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text
←Rate | 04-07-2014 16:09 by snotty Comments (0)




X says My 6 year old asked me what it was like to be married so I ignored him for a week and then yelled at him for something he did when he was 3.
←Rate | 07-22-2015 10:53 Comments (0)


X says "Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
←Rate | 08-04-2015 15:03 Comments (0)


X says I have an actual date this weekend so if any of you are in love with me, you better say something or forever hold your peace.
←Rate | 01-22-2013 12:56 by Kisstopher Comments (0)


X is It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them.
←Rate | 01-30-2013 19:24 Comments (0)


X says if you're 40+ and never married, just say you're divorced so people won't think there's something wrong with you...
←Rate | 02-03-2013 11:00 Comments (0)


X says If you posted that worthless legal disclaimer on your Facebook page, you might also want to post that you won't be signing autographs when you get off of work at 5 today.
←Rate | 11-27-2012 09:00 by @topherjordan Comments (0)


X says If I had a d ick I'd definitely get it stuck in something it wasn't supposed to be in by the end of the first day.
←Rate | 11-27-2012 13:05 by Sarah Comments (0)


X is Facebook is for Leaders.....Twitter is for Followers
←Rate | 12-12-2012 14:23 Comments (0)


X Saw that Poland just won the country's first gold metal.... they were so happy, they had it bronzed!
←Rate | 07-31-2012 14:09 by Ira Sult Comments (0)


X is I have a USB drive on my keys so that if I'm ever dying in public I can hand it to a stranger and shout "Get this to the President before.."
←Rate | 04-30-2013 11:33 by JEBI Comments (0)


X says Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
←Rate | 06-04-2013 15:22 by Baddie Comments (0)


X never get into a fist fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose
←Rate | 05-27-2011 04:23 Comments (0)


X is instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol"... laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.
←Rate | 06-03-2011 08:28 by @surge1109 Comments (0)


X What if they read a list of everything youve ever typed into Google before entering Heaven..
←Rate | 07-06-2011 07:43 Comments (0)


X It's Thursday, which is "Friday Eve" in Optimisian.
←Rate | 09-29-2011 18:53 by @kraziedavid909 Comments (0)


X says When I stop talking and just walk away, it doesn't mean you've won. It means I'm not wasting any more time on your stupid ass.
←Rate | 10-03-2011 10:54 Comments (0)


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