Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I like the sound you make when you shut up
←Rate | 07-19-2013 10:28 by equaloppjoker Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
←Rate | 08-09-2013 13:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like superheroes but I'd rather hang out with the villains.
←Rate | 02-13-2013 13:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let's dance.
←Rate | 02-21-2013 04:22 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon What’s the difference between a Pick Pocketer and a Peeping Tom…..A Pick Pocketer snatches watches
←Rate | 02-26-2013 10:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most women don't notice the things we do for them until we stop doing them.
←Rate | 03-08-2013 14:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's nothing worse than not getting the right amount of love from strangers on the internet.
←Rate | 03-21-2013 18:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My relationship status just changed to sweatpants oreos and netflix!
←Rate | 04-02-2013 01:44 by CJ Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need to see a shrink to discuss my Shamrock Shake abandonment issues...
←Rate | 04-05-2013 13:40 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
←Rate | 04-12-2013 05:17 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon nothing makes you a hypocrite like becoming a parent...
←Rate | 04-15-2013 10:17 by YODA Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a special place on my crappy list for people that complicate relatively simple situations.
←Rate | 04-25-2013 13:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
←Rate | 05-08-2013 20:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When my boss asks me if I can "take a stab at this", I always hope she'll point to that coworker we all hate.
←Rate | 05-10-2013 12:31 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
←Rate | 05-12-2013 07:32 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon My fridge is so full of beer I'm going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
←Rate | 05-25-2013 12:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This hot fudge sundae hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.
←Rate | 06-14-2013 04:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People make me itch!
←Rate | 11-05-2012 13:19 by equaloppjoker Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well, with no shave November, Halo 4 and Black Ops 2 this month, I'm predicting teen pregnancy will be at an all time low
←Rate | 11-10-2012 21:52 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got up this morning and decided to put on my favorite fat jeans only to realize they have become just another pair of my skinny jeans.
←Rate | 11-22-2012 20:37 Comments (0)  

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