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Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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   messageicon I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
←Rate | 07-02-2012 20:12 by Joey Waz Here Comments (0)

   messageicon Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.
←Rate | 07-11-2012 16:37 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon Dear bed, I know that I left you this morning, but I love you. Take me back?
←Rate | 12-26-2011 16:46 Comments (0)

   messageicon So is it the 3rd or 4th refill of water into the nearly empty liquid soap bottle that makes you ghetto?
←Rate | 12-29-2011 00:08 by ptv Comments (0)

   messageicon If you can't say anything nice, say something vague on Facebook.
←Rate | 01-20-2012 14:45 by Jman Comments (0)

   messageicon Wouldn't it stink if there were thousands of other planets that had life, and we on Earth were the ONLY ones who didn't know? And we were the butt of aliens' jokes, i.e. "You're stupid as an Earthling."
←Rate | 11-26-2011 20:42 by g0re Comments (0)

   messageicon Turned my brain off for the weekend and now I can't stop coming up with ideas for Adam Sandler movies.
←Rate | 12-10-2011 11:33 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)

   messageicon Sometimes, I throw clean clothes in the hamper because I'm too lazy to fold them.
←Rate | 12-12-2011 22:22 by BEGO Comments (0)

   messageicon it just me or does anybody else find it weird that the Mets took out a $40 million dollar loan from Bank of America. Considering that they play at Citi Field????
←Rate | 12-13-2011 20:35 by migasjoe Comments (0)

   messageicon Facebook going green? Because I'm seeing a lot of people reusing the quotes.
←Rate | 05-30-2012 17:47 by vicky manuja Comments (0)

   messageicon You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed...
←Rate | 04-04-2012 15:34 Comments (0)

   messageicon That annoying moment when you're waiting for a text & you get one but it's from the wrong person.
←Rate | 04-04-2012 20:22 by BEGO Comments (0)

   messageicon Dear guy in the mens bathroom...* man rule # 1a - if there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1 , dont come parking it at urinal #2 !...your man card is suspended !
←Rate | 04-09-2012 21:12 by Bri Comments (0)

   messageicon If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
←Rate | 10-24-2011 21:21 by BEGO Comments (0)

   messageicon Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it...... but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later.
←Rate | 11-14-2011 18:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon Women- God's version of a Rubik's cube.
←Rate | 11-26-2013 18:13 by snotty Comments (0)

   messageicon They let an Asian drive the plane?
←Rate | 03-18-2014 14:00 Comments (0)

   messageicon My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text
←Rate | 04-07-2014 16:09 by snotty Comments (0)

   messageicon I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
←Rate | 01-18-2015 22:30 Comments (0)

   messageicon We don't have to have sex, let's just see if it fits.
←Rate | 05-29-2015 18:28 Comments (0)

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