Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon Angered by steroid accusations, Lance Armstrong threw a car at reporters.
←Rate | 06-03-2010 23:53 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit a certain few people in the face with a shovel.
←Rate | 12-11-2010 17:01 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
←Rate | 01-19-2011 22:04 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Justin Bieber: What song should I cover? Random Girl: If I were a boy.
←Rate | 08-29-2010 15:48 by Bieber is gay!!! Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wonder if anyone else feels like their life is a series of bloopers and outtakes.
←Rate | 09-08-2010 11:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I Got Married For Better or For Worse................She couldn't do better and I couldn't do any worse
←Rate | 09-13-2010 20:08 by Steve666 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I listened patiently for you to make a noise but you never did. Reluctantly I had to admit you were right, it was a bottomless pit.
←Rate | 09-25-2010 01:35 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon you're all invited to my bachelor party! Granted, I'm not even getting married. But thats not a reason to not have a night out with my buddies with beer and strippers!
←Rate | 09-26-2010 09:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
←Rate | 09-27-2010 22:33 by jean Comments (0)  

   messageicon My girlfriend talks faster than the speed of sound. This explains why I never hear her.
←Rate | 10-09-2010 17:06 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
←Rate | 10-19-2010 02:19 by PL Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm never going to grow up. I'm just going to stop hiding what I do from my parents and start hiding it from my kids.
←Rate | 08-26-2010 16:54 by MBH Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks to television, I now believe that all janitorial and supply closets in hospitals are being occupied at all times by people having sex.
←Rate | 09-02-2010 06:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oh, I see you're playing hard to get... I'm gonna play walk away.
←Rate | 09-23-2010 06:44 by @TeeWuu86 Comments (0)  

   messageicon trying to find the differences between an Oompa-Loompa and Snooki... gotta be the hair!!!
←Rate | 10-30-2010 12:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I live every day of my life as if it's my last. Basically I just leap in slow motion away from things which aren't exploding... Repeatedly.
←Rate | 11-16-2010 17:04 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you think many people look at others facebook's and judge them off what they see or what was said, I dont because thatd be pathetic. But if youre out there, hi. :)
←Rate | 07-08-2010 01:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon he really wants to control the television remotely but is unable to locate the device that fulfills that desire.
←Rate | 07-29-2010 08:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I'm sorry, am I boring you?" "Yes you are, I appreciate your apology."
←Rate | 08-17-2010 20:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't you think its time for Life Alert to update their commercials.
←Rate | 08-19-2010 15:56 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

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