Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.

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   messageicon Caution: When someone tells you to get a grip, apparently around their neck is not what they meant.. Who knew
←Rate | 09-27-2012 04:08 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you dont sway side to side when listening to Stevie Wonder then we can't be friends.
←Rate | 10-07-2012 09:08 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girls; Don't kill yourself over a boy. He'll just bring another girl to your funeral.
←Rate | 10-09-2012 13:16 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon The most popular costume tonight is "girl that won't talk to me."
←Rate | 10-28-2012 02:22 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon To the people who have birthdays this week... your parents sure know how to celebrate Valentine's Day!
←Rate | 11-14-2012 21:13 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon So much for my plans on surviving the zombie apocalypse on twinkies.
←Rate | 11-16-2012 09:06 by sully Comments (0)  

   messageicon it too much to ask for an attractive hot stalker....I mean, come on, seriously!
←Rate | 12-01-2012 17:30 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yeah you nailed the audition but some other chick nailed the director so better luck next time.
←Rate | 04-25-2013 08:18 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite workout routine is putting my phone in my pocket and taking it out every 30 seconds.
←Rate | 05-06-2013 00:52 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think my wife is mad at me...... so when she walks by, I do what any man would do in this situation: I PLAY DEAD!!!
←Rate | 05-23-2013 10:39 by sully Comments (0)  

   messageicon Doesn’t matter if she changes her relationship status on Facebook. Until she leaves her toothbrush at your place. She’s not your girlfriend.
←Rate | 06-04-2013 14:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by Vegetarians. Stop the violence. Eat Bacon!
←Rate | 06-20-2013 08:33 by equaloppjoker Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only kind of Candy Crush I do is with my teeth.
←Rate | 07-16-2013 17:02 by JustCuz Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
←Rate | 09-08-2013 08:19 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Secret Life of the American Teenager? More like Sex Life of the American Whore.
←Rate | 11-26-2011 21:10 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon "I wasn't that Drunk" "Dude, you told me to give you a ride home... when the party was at your house."
←Rate | 12-15-2011 09:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife's a magician. She can turn anything into an argument.
←Rate | 04-29-2012 22:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Welcome to Facebook, where relationships are perfect, liars believe their own lies & the world shows off they are living a great life.
←Rate | 05-15-2012 21:10 by BEGO Comments (1)  

   messageicon It's hard to make your coffee when you haven't had your coffee.
←Rate | 10-19-2011 19:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Be comfortable in your own skin, only serial killers are comfortable in other people's skin.
←Rate | 11-08-2011 08:43 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

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