Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
←Rate | 10-13-2010 15:53 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just bumped into my sexy neighbour. She said, "Hows the little one, getting big I expect?" I said, "Yep, it must be the f-kin tight tops you wear!".
←Rate | 12-19-2010 17:45 by @clarkysj Comments (0)  

   messageicon if they are going to start putting graphic pictures on packs of cigarettes, then they should put deadly dui pics on liquor bottles
←Rate | 11-10-2010 23:11 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a d!ckhead, but you'll get used to it"
←Rate | 12-09-2010 16:31 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
←Rate | 09-20-2013 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
←Rate | 09-20-2014 14:23 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just drove by an Asian restaurant - Wok n' Roll - well played Chinese people. So crever
←Rate | 01-03-2014 11:01 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon the replacement referees in the NFL are actually footlocker employees taken from the nearest mall to the stadium
←Rate | 09-16-2012 21:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think there should be an internation law mandating that Kate Beckinsale wear black latex body suits 365 days a year.
←Rate | 10-15-2012 08:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People, put a dollar in the jar every time you masturbate. Trust me on this. {Sent from my yacht}
←Rate | 07-29-2013 12:30 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct... Then I'd paint the floor with red squiggly lines
←Rate | 08-05-2013 18:02 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Even Joe Biden said stricter laws won't stop the problem. If they can't enforce the laws already on the books what makes them think they can enforce these?
←Rate | 04-10-2013 13:17 Comments (1)  

   messageicon When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch
←Rate | 10-26-2012 10:58 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon The back of every furniture assembly manual should have a coupon for couples counseling.
←Rate | 04-25-2013 05:21 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon No Ma'am. I did NOT say your child is ugly. All I said was that I would fear for my life if he were ever to get wet… or eat after midnight. I'm sure you won't have to worry about pedophiles either.
←Rate | 06-24-2011 14:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Telling me to calm down is the only guaranteed way to piss me off.
←Rate | 01-29-2011 10:04 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
←Rate | 02-19-2011 16:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water... it's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola."
←Rate | 04-21-2011 20:31 by Dylan Bosch Comments (0)  

   messageicon Instead of thinking about what you're missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.
←Rate | 03-30-2011 15:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You all drink too much, you cuss too much, and you all have very questionable morals... Everything I ever wanted in a friend!
←Rate | 07-04-2011 14:49 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

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