Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon The reason I'm single? She wouldn't marry me when I was drinking and I wouldn't marry her when I was sober.
←Rate | 01-23-2011 09:28 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just watched Silence of the Lambs again.Buffalo Bill, now there was a man that was comfortable in his own skin..........and yours.
←Rate | 01-24-2011 17:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear suicidal insects on my windshield: Stop it, I can't see.
←Rate | 09-02-2010 05:53 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Listen: I'm a mature person and you're a mature person, so why don't we just skip all the bs, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO? "
←Rate | 09-10-2010 20:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's so cute how you think I'm listening.
←Rate | 09-21-2010 16:34 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why were the police ever issued with pepper sprays? Surely this will lead to the creation of more seasoned criminals.
←Rate | 09-25-2010 00:25 by @seddy90 Comments (0)  

   messageicon knows where all the purses are!
←Rate | 10-07-2010 13:11 by mntnbikerbw Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy D!ck are the same person..
←Rate | 05-04-2010 18:35 by paulb808 Comments (0)  

   messageicon NBA Wives is a better name than "The Ex-wives and ex-girlfriends of ex-Miami Heat players that weren't really that good except for maybe Shaq...
←Rate | 05-17-2010 01:46 by geez Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just when the mind found the answers, the heart changed the question...
←Rate | 05-26-2010 19:06 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Bumper stickers I'd like to give out: I BRAKE FOR NO REASON / MY OTHER SIGNAL IS OFF / HONK IF YOU HATE WAITING AT GREEN LIGHTS
←Rate | 06-18-2010 18:41 by Joser Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seriously mad that Youtube sold out... Now I have to watch a 30 second ad about "herpies medication" before I watch a 20 second clip about "feels better without a condom"..
←Rate | 06-08-2011 12:59 by zman87 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster
←Rate | 06-23-2011 04:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had to make small talk with a bum at a freeway exit ramp because I couldn't roll up my window in time to ignore him
←Rate | 06-27-2011 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon so nice to see that the ex g/f who said I would never amount to anything just take my order at Taco Bell
←Rate | 05-07-2011 19:12 by Wayne Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm easily influenced... That's why I try not to watch too much porn
←Rate | 09-23-2011 17:31 by Sader Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Women, We don't know what we're thinking, so please stop asking us that. Love, Men
←Rate | 10-03-2011 17:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Be Yourself, Because you never know who would love the person you hide
←Rate | 02-10-2011 09:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.
←Rate | 02-17-2011 21:00 by hovo Comments (0)  

   messageicon If aliens learn about us from our TV broadcasts then they'll come here expecting 90% of the population to work in hospitals or be in law enforcement.
←Rate | 02-22-2011 10:27 by MyClueIs Comments (0)  

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