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Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or profile.
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   messageicon What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat? A dandy lion! (I'm here all day)
←Rate | 04-08-2011 11:42 by @clarkysj Comments (0)

   messageicon I like to scare deaf people by yawning.
←Rate | 08-17-2011 03:59 Comments (0)

   messageicon Latest news from Egypt: نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست I will keep ya'll informed if anything else changes.
←Rate | 02-03-2011 19:09 Comments (1)

   messageicon How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to each take 200 photos of the event for facebook, clog up your news feed, and later on edit the pictures to black and white.
←Rate | 10-25-2011 16:47 by g0re Comments (0)

   messageicon FASTEST means of Communication : 1) Phone 2) TV 3) Internet 4) Tell A Woman (For even FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE)
←Rate | 03-03-2010 03:53 by Danmanz Comments (0)

   messageicon Teacher: John why did you bring your cat to school today? John: (crying) I heard the postman tell mom "when the kid goes to school i'ma eat your (CENSORED).
←Rate | 09-06-2010 19:55 Comments (0)

   messageicon Sometimes I spice up my love life by getting my girlfriend to wear a long black nightgown with buttons on it. Makes her look just like a remote control.
←Rate | 03-04-2012 11:41 Comments (0)

   messageicon I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror. :/
←Rate | 01-04-2012 19:39 by Bear Comments (0)

   messageicon We met on Christian Mingle,, and our baby was born 6 months later
←Rate | 11-04-2013 19:35 by snotty Comments (0)

   messageicon there has to be a woman out there thinking to herself right now..." man I wish someone would pick me up like a bowling ball"
←Rate | 06-06-2011 19:17 by jeff Comments (0)

   messageicon Firetrucks & ambulances would be far more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move B*tch" by Ludacris
←Rate | 03-11-2011 08:46 by scottyp Comments (0)

   messageicon Instead of “lol” I put “lsimhbiwfefmtalol” Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.
←Rate | 01-30-2012 20:39 by BEGO Comments (0)

   messageicon In other news, we don't give a damn Dave!
←Rate | 02-27-2012 12:19 by EVERYONE Comments (0)

   messageicon Facebook going green? Because I'm seeing a lot of people reusing the quotes.
←Rate | 05-30-2012 17:47 by vicky manuja Comments (0)

   messageicon If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
←Rate | 10-24-2011 21:21 by BEGO Comments (0)

   messageicon Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it...... but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later.
←Rate | 11-14-2011 18:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people's orders, because I hate people who can't use a phone properly.
←Rate | 06-06-2012 13:33 by Baddie Comments (0)

   messageicon I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."
←Rate | 07-02-2012 20:12 by Joey Waz Here Comments (0)

   messageicon Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.
←Rate | 07-11-2012 16:37 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)

   messageicon Dear bed, I know that I left you this morning, but I love you. Take me back?
←Rate | 12-26-2011 16:46 Comments (0)

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