Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Scientists now say that within 40 years, robots will be doing most of the jobs we don't want to do, especially illegal robots from Mexico.
←Rate | 01-11-2010 15:47 by tomcall Comments (0)  


   messageicon come on now, you think Elin (Tiger's wife) would really walk away from all that money... She's not that crazy.
←Rate | 03-18-2010 14:38 by Danmanz Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you're not drinking falcon blood out of a boar's skull, .....we don't want to see your tribal tattoo.
←Rate | 12-07-2010 19:20 by @Jimboleem Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.
←Rate | 06-27-2013 14:11 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I texted my girlfriend "I love you" and she texted back "I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent "I love you moist"....I figured why correct it, it's true too.
←Rate | 09-09-2012 17:55 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon If your spouse was there for you when you were broke, and they were there for you when you lost your job, and they were there for you when the bank took your house, you should probably get a divorce and look for a new spouse because this one is bad luck.
←Rate | 12-30-2012 22:23 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
←Rate | 05-03-2013 21:24 by BEGO Comments (0)  


   messageicon Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn't have to end at work.
←Rate | 03-13-2013 19:08 by minnie haha Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I ever had enough money... I would start up my own towing company... and call it "Camel Towing"!
←Rate | 07-24-2012 00:14 by Dani Comments (2)  


   messageicon I'm thankful I'm a dude and don't have to post that BS every day this month...
←Rate | 11-02-2012 19:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I would describe my look today as "Open Casket"
←Rate | 12-13-2014 15:48 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.
←Rate | 06-02-2014 13:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A string of stars tattooed on your chest is a great way to let everyone know you're a 22 year old single mother of 4 kids.
←Rate | 09-22-2013 23:23 by joshfrazier85 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
←Rate | 07-22-2014 09:01 by Yaj Comments (4)  


   messageicon I hate people who keep saying LMS on FaceBook. LMS if you agree.
←Rate | 12-21-2011 23:11 by @AdEpTxNiNjA Comments (0)  


   messageicon lol @ "If he pauses his game to text you back, marry him".. We never pause it, we're just waiting to respawn.
←Rate | 12-27-2011 00:28 by Nick Comments (0)  


   messageicon DEAR SIDEWALK, Please get wider... SINCERELY, 3rd FRIEND WALKING BEHIND FEELING EXCLUDED.
←Rate | 01-06-2012 22:25 by g0re Comments (0)  


   messageicon 1 sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. This means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in 3 seconds... And you thought 4G was fast!
←Rate | 04-05-2012 09:09 by brooklyn finest Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's scary to think nothing can kill that 0.01% germ.
←Rate | 02-17-2012 00:54 by @OMFG_Rel8able Comments (0)  


   messageicon To all the mothers: Happy Mother's Day. Don't let it go to your head. You are a working double tomorrow.
←Rate | 05-13-2012 12:12 by Baddie Comments (0)  


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