Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Whenever I see a fat white girl smoking a Newport I know a mulatto baby is on the way.
←Rate | 01-18-2011 17:46 by RedDog58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn't come.
←Rate | 08-30-2010 17:41 by jack Comments (0)  

   messageicon 100% of all divorces are caused by marriage.
←Rate | 11-05-2009 05:07 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
←Rate | 12-10-2009 07:29 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Multiply that by infinity & take it 2 the depths of forever & then you will have some vague idea what I'm talkin about...
←Rate | 01-25-2010 21:57 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are only 5 things we need in life: Good friends.. Good job.. Good food.. Good sleep..&"GOOD _UCK" whatever you are thinking. That's right! :D
←Rate | 03-19-2010 04:08 by silvrz Comments (1)  

   messageicon Facebook does NOT ruin relationships. Relationships ruin Facebook.
←Rate | 12-28-2011 08:07 by Reuben Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cashier: "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" Me: "That's why I'm shopping, moron."
←Rate | 11-02-2011 19:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before Nyquil, something something heart palpitations
←Rate | 07-28-2011 16:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Valentines advance: If she goes to the party, watches the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you then she is valentine material.
←Rate | 02-04-2011 09:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon NASA says there is a 1 in 3000 chance debris from their satellite could hit someone. *Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony*
←Rate | 09-23-2011 09:54 by Daveb1191 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with..I shouldn't be telling you this..
←Rate | 05-26-2013 23:51 by BEGO Comments (1)  

   messageicon I called 411 and asked the operator ''I'd like the number for Melissa Fontana in Silver Spring, Md. ''There are multiple listings for Melissa Fontana, Do you have a street name?'' I hesitated ''Well, uh some people call me Snake!''
←Rate | 07-27-2012 11:17 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lance Armstrong falls from grace and suddenly it's "ok" to make jokes about losing a testicle to cancer. Hope you jerks are having a ball.
←Rate | 01-18-2013 18:03 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon A black James Bond? Wouldn't work.... He'd be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
←Rate | 09-05-2015 11:03 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
←Rate | 04-22-2014 11:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tom Brady should be forced to spend those 4 games at a Children's Hospital blowing up balloon animals.
←Rate | 05-12-2015 11:21 by @gnarleycharley Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm not single. I'm in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.
←Rate | 05-06-2011 12:05 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.
←Rate | 04-24-2011 13:16 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts! :(
←Rate | 04-27-2011 14:20 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

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