Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Gotta love the commercials for medications. The side effects of the meds are usually worse than the symptoms. For example, I have an itchy leg. "try dexalog: symptoms may include: hair loss, weight gain, growing an extra head, skin to disintegrate..."
←Rate | 02-27-2011 22:57 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I love meeting new people until they say something stupid. Most of my friendships last about 3 minutes.
←Rate | 07-13-2011 18:08 by Yaj Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm easily influenced... That's why I try not to watch too much porn
←Rate | 09-23-2011 17:31 by Sader Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Women, We don't know what we're thinking, so please stop asking us that. Love, Men
←Rate | 10-03-2011 17:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Seriously mad that Youtube sold out... Now I have to watch a 30 second ad about "herpies medication" before I watch a 20 second clip about "feels better without a condom"..
←Rate | 06-08-2011 12:59 by zman87 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster
←Rate | 06-23-2011 04:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had to make small talk with a bum at a freeway exit ramp because I couldn't roll up my window in time to ignore him
←Rate | 06-27-2011 12:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon so nice to see that the ex g/f who said I would never amount to anything just take my order at Taco Bell
←Rate | 05-07-2011 19:12 by Wayne Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sign said "WET PAINT" So I emptied my water bottle on it. I'm currently waiting on further instructions.
←Rate | 12-24-2013 05:49 by Huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon Caffeine is the foundation of my food pyramid.
←Rate | 12-27-2013 11:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If sex is said to be the best exercise than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there's idea. . .
←Rate | 02-09-2014 16:37 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Calm down R&B singers nearing the end of your songs
←Rate | 03-12-2014 14:14 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon I must have a great butt because every time I walk away from my coworkers I always hear 'What an ass'
←Rate | 03-28-2014 10:43 by Chris F Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Smart Phone, I would really wish if you spent more time with me than your Charger
←Rate | 04-11-2014 10:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you've ever put away a kitchen knife and not imagined the day you'll dramatically fight a burglar with it, congrats, I guess you're the adult.
←Rate | 04-17-2014 09:44 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom's on Mother's Day because that is what they are going to look like!
←Rate | 05-11-2014 20:48 by Nunthewizr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Listen,,, "8 glasses a day" is a scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us dependent
←Rate | 06-17-2015 18:12 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon No more Game of Thrones for my husband. Every time I eat a donut he follows me around the house saying "Shame. Shame. Shame."
←Rate | 06-18-2015 11:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
←Rate | 07-12-2015 21:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my girlfriend’s mom who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
←Rate | 10-03-2015 01:47 Comments (0)  

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