Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon it appropriate for a receptionist at a sperm clinic to tell their clients "thanks for coming" as they leave?
←Rate | 03-05-2012 23:06 by TS Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Santa , before I try to explain . Just how much do you aleady know .
←Rate | 12-22-2011 17:35 by BigToe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
←Rate | 06-20-2012 14:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
←Rate | 06-28-2012 08:15 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trojan just released a new camoflauge condom. Their slogan is, "She'll never see you coming!"
←Rate | 10-18-2011 18:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I took one of my husband's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go to Hooters or ask my opinion on golf, call me.
←Rate | 10-19-2011 15:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Roman numerals. What are they good IV?
←Rate | 10-31-2011 09:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Michael Jackson's bodyguards are now saying; "if Michael Jackson were alive, there is NO WAY he would want Dr Murray on trial." DUH if Michael Jackson was alive, Dr Murray WOULDN'T be on trial now would he? Well played bodyguards, well played.
←Rate | 11-04-2011 08:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro.
←Rate | 03-01-2012 13:34 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Teeth are always in style!
←Rate | 03-15-2012 15:16 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon The memories of all the naughty things I've done in my lifetime will always bring a smile to my face.
←Rate | 03-27-2012 13:37 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon My kids outgoing voicemail message says,," I'm sorry I won't come to the phone right now. It's 2012. LEARN TO TEXT."
←Rate | 04-11-2012 06:58 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.
←Rate | 04-16-2012 22:55 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Black Friday... America's version of "Running of the bulls!"
←Rate | 11-25-2011 15:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not saying I'm hot but I just set off the smoke alarm in my house. Okay, I burned lunch. Whatever.
←Rate | 06-12-2012 12:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm on a I don't give a F*CK Diet......I've already lost 10 a$$holes!!!
←Rate | 07-07-2012 18:37 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon Halloween = Candy, Thanksgiving = Food, Christmas = Gifts, New Years = Drinks, Valentines = Sex, Birthdays = ALL OF THE ABOVE
←Rate | 07-09-2012 19:51 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Word of the Day: Eskihoe - A girl that wears UGG boots and a miniskirt at the same time.
←Rate | 11-26-2014 11:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon women say they like tall men but I'm probably at least 6'4 in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet :(
←Rate | 12-06-2014 13:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Memo from Santa: Due to the rising cost of coal, this year people on the naughty list will be receiving Nickelback CDs.
←Rate | 12-23-2013 10:44 by snotty Comments (0)  

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