Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Bananosecond, n.; Time elapsed between slipping on the peel and hitting the pavement.
←Rate | 03-29-2010 15:33 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm pretty sure if I washed my face like the girls on face wash commercials, my roommates would be really pissed about the puddles all over the bathroom floor.
←Rate | 03-31-2010 14:29 by Randizzle Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your girlfriend has a friend that annoys you, don't tell her to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty she is.
←Rate | 07-13-2015 11:01 by @1_Jack_Jacko Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
←Rate | 07-16-2013 17:28 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I opened a car repair shop, I would call it Auto Correct... Then I'd paint the floor with red squiggly lines
←Rate | 08-05-2013 18:02 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there's tons of those things. Relax, there will always be worms.
←Rate | 08-20-2013 18:44 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women can be so ungrateful. I just made breakfast in bed & instead of thanking me, she screams "Who are you! How did you get in my house?"
←Rate | 08-28-2012 15:06 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everyone's so busy judging who gay people can marry, and yet not ONE of you stopped me from marrying the wrong guy. Thanks a lot a$$holes.
←Rate | 04-06-2013 09:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think today I'll stalk random strangers and tag myself as one of the people in the background of their vacation pics...
←Rate | 02-09-2013 07:28 by Donna Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw a bumper sticker yesterday that said "I MISS ATLANTA" so I smashed their window and stole their radio.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 22:33 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.
←Rate | 10-23-2011 21:20 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm thinking of getting tattoos on my shoulders that say "Place legs here".
←Rate | 10-27-2011 14:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon ..which is why I start my sentences in the middle. 
←Rate | 06-17-2012 23:00 by HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.
←Rate | 06-20-2012 11:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.
←Rate | 06-24-2012 18:55 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe. It's Tuesday that sucks.
←Rate | 01-04-2012 19:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having
←Rate | 04-20-2012 21:28 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I like that Dollar General store because you don't have to get all dressed up like you do when you go to Walmart.
←Rate | 07-28-2010 19:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon 420 is the day we celebrate marijuana. 421 is the day employers celebrate random drug testing.
←Rate | 04-20-2010 21:08 by Kelsey Hutchison Comments (0)  

   messageicon thinking Robin Hood was a Democrat.
←Rate | 04-22-2010 21:37 Comments (0)  

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