Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Status message updates and sayings for your Facebook, Twitter, or Whatsapp profile.

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   messageicon Breaking News: NFL is going to investigate the Falcons for Domestic Violence against the Bucs...
←Rate | 09-18-2014 21:41 by Sully Comments (0)  

   messageicon Behind every man there is a woman wondering if going to jail for murder is as bad as it sounds.
←Rate | 10-19-2014 09:25 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  

   messageicon What she said: "I'd make great wife material" What I heard: "I'm going to nag you to death and never touch your d*ck"
←Rate | 10-24-2014 00:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Listen,,, "8 glasses a day" is a scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us dependent
←Rate | 06-17-2015 18:12 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon No more Game of Thrones for my husband. Every time I eat a donut he follows me around the house saying "Shame. Shame. Shame."
←Rate | 06-18-2015 11:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
←Rate | 07-12-2015 21:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my girlfriend’s mom who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
←Rate | 10-03-2015 01:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway.
←Rate | 12-17-2014 20:40 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
←Rate | 01-12-2015 12:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I woke up this morning and said to my wife 'that was amazing last night, we're you faking it?' , 'No' she replied 'I really was asleep!'
←Rate | 02-05-2015 06:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon FUN FACT: People who use the phrase "winner winner chicken dinner" got their education at the University of Pheonix
←Rate | 02-18-2015 08:43 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you watch Friday the 13th backwards, Jason's machete is a magic wand that brings kids back to life and sends them to summer camp...
←Rate | 03-13-2015 18:45 by JEBI Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just rap battled with my 5 year old and rhymed "take a nap" with "piece of crap" so don't tell me about your parenting skills.
←Rate | 03-17-2015 13:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Actress Elizabeth Olsen recently said it doesn't hurt your career to appear nude on screen. You listening, Megan Fox?
←Rate | 04-26-2015 19:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Calm down R&B singers nearing the end of your songs
←Rate | 03-12-2014 14:14 by Czovczov Comments (0)  

   messageicon I must have a great butt because every time I walk away from my coworkers I always hear 'What an ass'
←Rate | 03-28-2014 10:43 by Chris F Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear Smart Phone, I would really wish if you spent more time with me than your Charger
←Rate | 04-11-2014 10:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you've ever put away a kitchen knife and not imagined the day you'll dramatically fight a burglar with it, congrats, I guess you're the adult.
←Rate | 04-17-2014 09:44 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pay attention to all these women that are posting pictures with their mom's on Mother's Day because that is what they are going to look like!
←Rate | 05-11-2014 20:48 by Nunthewizr Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sign said "WET PAINT" So I emptied my water bottle on it. I'm currently waiting on further instructions.
←Rate | 12-24-2013 05:49 by Huck Comments (0)  

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