Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 900 of 5745

   messageicon You know I'm a Duke boys fan..but how is it Luke always knows short cuts that Bo doesn't? They're always in the car together!!
←Rate | 10-14-2010 00:15 by goodeolboy Comments (0)  

   messageicon .Neighbors get really angry when they catch you on their roof adjusting their satellite dish.
←Rate | 10-14-2010 11:40 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon getting ready to enter the "drinking" portion of the evening.
←Rate | 10-15-2010 16:05 by Brades Comments (0)  

   messageicon Men lie about how many women they have been with because they CAN'T remember the exact number...Women lie about how many men they have been with because they CAN remember the exact number....
←Rate | 10-15-2011 12:54 by bryan j brown Comments (0)  

   messageicon It isn't that I'm not a people person, it's just that I'm not a stupid people person.
←Rate | 11-09-2011 19:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't stand too close to the heater honey, plastic melts
←Rate | 11-11-2011 21:17 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement
←Rate | 02-10-2012 07:04 by XXX-FUXY Comments (0)  

   messageicon MTV has gone from Music Television to Maternity Television..
←Rate | 02-11-2012 19:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am tormented at night by the idea that everything funny has been said
←Rate | 02-22-2012 22:27 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think I invented some new kama sutra moves trying to reach the remote without getting up.
←Rate | 03-12-2012 09:41 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon People say, "You have to work on a marriage." I say, “No thank you. I already have a job.”
←Rate | 03-13-2012 12:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme caused me to start a lot of fights hoping I'd be shipped off to rich relatives.
←Rate | 03-14-2012 11:21 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I only want two things in life: 1. Lose weight 2. Eat. 
←Rate | 03-21-2012 21:29 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's cute when they put expiration dates on snacks like I won't eat them as soon as I get to my car.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 22:33 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, if you don't want men looking at your cleavage then you shouldn't wear low cut shirts in an area I can see you with my binoculars.
←Rate | 03-27-2012 22:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…
←Rate | 04-04-2012 16:56 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Haters can only hate the things they can't have and the people they can't be.
←Rate | 04-16-2012 19:08 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon That moment when you get a sweet text & you just sit there smiling at your screen like a weirdo.
←Rate | 12-27-2011 12:17 by ericroflmao Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everything seems louder when you're trying not to wake your parents
←Rate | 01-01-2012 21:43 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon My ex was bisexual. I had to buy her stuff for her to become sexual.
←Rate | 01-04-2012 11:06 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left