Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   These pills aren't addictive - I've been taking them for years.

   You are so funny, but looks aren't everything!!

   Just overheard someone say "I've got a gut feeling in my stomach." That kind of use of the English language makes me want to punch his face in the face.

   Sometimes all it takes is a simple change in attitude to turn your life around. =]

   Lights off, Music on, Phone in silent mode, tired body and calm mind; Perfect recipe for good night sleep.

   I just committed the perfect crime. I stopped paying my shrink. He took me to court. I pleaded insanity.

   Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner.

   Spring is almost here! Happy people walking, kids playing outside, dog sh!t everywhere.....Life is grand!

   Welcome to Facebook. Feel free to attack, judge and air your own and everyone Else's dirty laundry!! Don't forget to keep it Catty and Cryptic!!

   I'll take "Things that a crackhead would steal" for $600, Alex.

   A girl I know went to apply for a job at Hooters. She said there was no application, they gave her a bra and said, "Here fill this out."

   When did Facebook turn into an Emo message board?! Seriously, cheer up or I'm unfriending your ass!

   Reckons that in the right light,at the right angle,if you squint & stand on on leg,I might look like I give a damn

   Can we start a rumor that all Ed Hardy & Tapout shirts are bullet proof?

   Who wants to put on a bear costume and tear apart the tents of people camping outside a Best Buy for Black Friday?

   if it's private, don't post it on FB. You don't see me bragging about screwing my wifes sister, do you??

   What is the difference between a Snickers and Justin Bieber? The Snickers has nuts....ZING...

   worst part of being sick? Sneezing while taking a piss...

   If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

   I've been playing the Monopoly game at McDonalds and so far all I've won is a double chin and 3 heart attacks