Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I woke up in the middle of the night & wrote 2 status ideas down on paper. I need help

   Political candidates should be made to wear NASCAR suits so we can tell who their sponsors are.

   My April Fools' Day prank at airport security did not go well. You may not see me Monday.

   Dear Shake Weight, Thanks for showing the ladies how it's done. Forever yours, Edward

   A rumor goes in one ear and then out of many mouths.

   You're the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?

   I feel like I'm livin out the movie friday in this damn recession.... Got cereal, no milk.. Got ham, no bread... Got koolaid, no sugar FML

   They say you're only as old as you feel, so I must be kinda-drunk-and-a-little-hungry years old.

   BP has released a statement saying most Gulf residents are not upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy.That's like Al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security.

   I'm not quite ready to declare this the 2,847th best day of my life, but it's certainly trending that way.

   These pills aren't addictive - I've been taking them for years.

   You are so funny, but looks aren't everything!!

   A girl I know went to apply for a job at Hooters. She said there was no application, they gave her a bra and said, "Here fill this out."

   When did Facebook turn into an Emo message board?! Seriously, cheer up or I'm unfriending your ass!

   Reckons that in the right light,at the right angle,if you squint & stand on on leg,I might look like I give a damn

   I just committed the perfect crime. I stopped paying my shrink. He took me to court. I pleaded insanity.

   Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner.

   Spring is almost here! Happy people walking, kids playing outside, dog sh!t everywhere.....Life is grand!

   Welcome to Facebook. Feel free to attack, judge and air your own and everyone Else's dirty laundry!! Don't forget to keep it Catty and Cryptic!!

   When I'm on the phone, I like to press the buttons and say "Would you please stop doing that!"