Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I am in love, I'm like a bird soaring through the sky straight into a window.

   I got fired from work on pajama day... It's not my fault I sleep naked.

   Just showed up at Walmart in an outfit I bought at Target,,, People think I'm some kind of movie star.

   I feel kinda sorry for Lamar Odom. Imagine the horror of waking up from a coma and the first thing you see is a Kardashian.

   Maybe the baby wasn't on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.

   Last time there was this much crap over a cup there were two girls involved

   Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?

   I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.

   The pollen is so bad this year that the trailer park people are changing crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   Dating progression Me at 16: She's ugly. Me at 21: She's alright. Me at 30: I'd hit that. Me at 36: That mountain goat has nice legs.

   Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....

   Heads up, peeps. There are over 700 fake Obamacare sites ready to swipe your info. Pro tip: The real site is the one that doesn't work...

   How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

   If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.

   It's always fun to run out of the bank after cashing a check, and yelling "Go, Go, Go!" as you jump into your car and speed off.

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”

   I'm so old, I remember when the internet didn't have commercials. . .

   If I haven't offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It's in there.

   Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"

   Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I'm never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.