Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Evidently that good Samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   if your lookin for Sympathy it is in the dictionary between S*it and Syphilis...

   wondering why do women always open their mouths when they put on mascara?

   Two blondes were driving to Disneyland and the exit sign reads: DISNEYLAND LEFT. They started crying...

   I remember when vampires were scary, and not some twink with six-pack abs.

   the difference in Tiger Woods and Santa is Santa stops at 3 hos.

   My New Year's Resolution is to finish what I star........

   The sole purpose of a child's middle name is to know when they're in big trouble.

   Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so are you, but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head

   probably going to Hell in at least 2 different religions

   Why hasn't BP used my solution yet to stop that oil leak? Simple AND brilliant...contact Tampax, have the worlds largest tampon made. Stick it in the hole....TADA, no more leak...AND the BP execs will be able to go horseback riding afterwards.

   A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.

   He sees me when I'm eating, He knows that I'm too fat, he sees the indentation on the chair where I just sat ...

   too many people buy stuff they don't want, with money they don't have, to impress people they don't like

   The best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.

   Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

   : Microwave broke - time to break out the Easy Bake Oven.

   you know you've been going to alot of bars lately when you walk into a local McDonald's to buy a burger and accidently hand the guy at the register you're I.D."

   succesfully finished his rubiks cube, waiting for the paint to dry now