Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Monday isn't so bad if you: skip work, get hammered, join a gang, get a piercing, bang a hooker and buy a giraffe. It's Tuesday that sucks.

   I'm jealous of the occupy movement, I wish I could join in. But I have to occupy my job so my kids can occupy my house.

   This chick got a million dollar body with a food stamp face.

   If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”

   Attention, guys wearing "skinny Jeans", you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"...this walmart sucks!

   The Royal family are said to be "disappointed" over a French magazine publishing pictures of Kate Middleton topless. Me too, they're tiny.

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

   It's no coincidence that you have never seen a hunger strike for the legalization of marijuana.

   I didn't mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.

   Watching a program about apes trying to make it in the real world. Wait no, it's "Keeping up with the Kardashians".

   Please drink responsibly this weekend and don't drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won't leave the house! ... Good talk!

   Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.

   When I woke up this morning I wasn't sure what day it was so I checked FB and not only did I get the day but also the weather condition, news headlines, traffic report, and 5 breakfast suggestions. Thank you Facebook friends!

   Happy Birthday USMC! Thank you to all our vets and active soldiers :)

   why is it that in every song rihanna is in the same word is said atleast 400 times or 3/4 of the song consists of numerous repeated or held ayyyyyyyyyyyyyy's

   if you feel that the window of opportunity is closed to you, just pick up a rock and smash that f*er to pieces!

   Ah Valentines.. the day where couples are getttin it on, singles have one night stands, and others hit up the local bar and drink it up

   thinks Toyota missed an opportunity with their commercials by not using Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel"...

   Be more concerned about your character than about your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think of you.