Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i went to this halloween party dressed as a leaf blower. another guy came dressed as a leaf. needless to say, it was awkward

   I prefer 11,000 Keystone XL pipeline workers over 87,000 new IRS agents.

   If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport. You'll get a free x-ray, a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda you will get a free colonoscopy

   Never judge a person by what other people have told you. The person maybe gentle with you but harsh with others. The same sun which melts ice also hardens clay.

   Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status... After 3 it should default to " Unstable "

   surprised how we live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police...

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   Remember me? I used to be your best friend when you were single.

   They should make a medal for anyone uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.

   So, this whole Mayan 12/21 thing - does anyone know if that's Mayan Standard Time or Mayan Daylight Time? Asking for a friend.

   If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.

   I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

   For most people when you loose your "khakis" you've lost a pair of pants. When you're from Boston and loose your "khakis" you can't start your car

   I'm trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can't find any Twinkie seeds. :/

   There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

   I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.

   If you don't have a Facebook account, all your high school friends just assume you died.

   When I say “wow, that's crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven't been listening to a word of your conversation.

   Guys are like a snow storm, you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last.

   I saw something that reminded me of you.. so I flushed the toilet and washed my hands(: