Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before Facebook, I had told maybe six people “Happy Birthday,” ever.

   I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.

   The fact that Sesame Street had to gently remind people, although Bert & Ernie possess many human characteristics, they remain puppets, & do not have a sexual orientation, just reaffirms my long held belief that most people are complete f*cking idiots.

   Ladies: stop getting relationship advice from your bitter, man-hating friend. It's like going to a strip club to find Jesus. She is single for a reason.

   The hurricane is losing strength, damn. I was hoping for a new boat in my front yard.

   And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: Did I remember to clear my browser history?

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama Bear. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear.

   wondering if the special forces soldiers answered "house keeping" when Bin Laden asked "who's there"?

   If you really want something, you will find a way. If you don't, you will find an excuse.

   Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?

   Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend

   I'm not single and I'm not committed... I'm simply on reserve for the one who deserves...

   I avoid making friends by being honest with people

   I'm not shy, I'm just really good at figuring out who's worth talking to

   A relationship that’s needs to be validated and reinforced by being constantly paraded on Facebook for the whole world to see is a desperate relationship that will not last.

   The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn't even apply for a job there

   Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.

   The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone's face at Starbucks.

   Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn't see himself in a mirror.

   Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.