Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Louisiana isn't the only place that has shrimp," said BP rep Randy Prescott. His office phone number is (713) 323-4093 and e-mail is randy.prescott@bp.com. Give him a call and tell him that BP isn't the only place that has fuel for your car.

   "Whoever said that 'laughter is the best medicine,' never suffered from erectile dysfunction."

   No Matter what you do in life, always give 100%. Unless of course you are donating blood.

   How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

   What is the real value of a RAT'S ASS? And why do we refuse to GIVE ONE? If I had one, ur welcome to it.

   Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, this is Awesome!"

   I'm single because I'm pretty good at recognizing crazy.

   My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.

   I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.

   Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".

   Dear apartment next door, you can either have an infant or a puppy, kill one.

   Bae is short for Retarded, right?

   I wish there was some kind of signal drivers could use on their car to notify other drivers that they're turning.

   Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don't know. Inspirational statuses are hard

   I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming "I'm you from the future!"

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich for Halloween and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   As kids we want to be adults who can do whatever they want and as adults we wish we were kids who can do whatever they want

   "Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...

   How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?

   Leonardo DiCaprio cheering on Orlando Bloom as he tried to punch Justin Bieber is enough for him to earn his Oscar in my books.