Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got this really cute girl's number today. I'm starting to think that I should get into car accidents more often.

   Honey Boo Boo? Sounds like sumthin Winnie the Pooh would do when he's had too much honey

   You can choose your friends, but you're stuck with your coworkers.

   I am pretty sure I have regained my virginity.

   it's not fair that haunted houses pay someone to dress up & chase customers with a chainsaw but grocery stores won't let me do it for free.

   remember the good old days when Nigerians were just scamming people on the internet...

   thinks Saturdays are like pre-school. You spend all day doing nothing productive and, as a reward, you get to take a nap.

   If I need directions, I'm not asking a man with one tooth. I'm asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there..

   I got a postcard from my gynecologist. It said, "Did you know it's time for your annual check-up?" No, but now my mailman does.

   ..if life is just one big game.. I need unlimited health & money cheat codes...

   If you want to see a basket full of uncomfortable people, break up with your girlfriend on a hot air balloon ride

   On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

   thinks it was irresponsible for the Cox Candy Company to make a lollipop. Who would walk into a candy store and ask for a Cox Sucker?

   Hope that your Life is long and useful, Like a roll of toilet paper.

   What does it mean when a girl calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean aside from the fact that she works for MasterCard™.

   poking someone right after they accept your friend request dirty?

   Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

   just had a very interesting conversation with the mirror.

   I'm not sure what's so "outstanding" about this bill... It seems pretty ordinary to me.

   I definitely thought we'd have some futuristic Jetsons sh*t by now.