Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second knock it's probally a Jehovah's witness.

   Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of s$it.

   hey... I just met you, and this is crazy, but please shut the f$ck up.

   Today is the national animal day,please take a moment to remember your EX

   I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world, I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself.

   If you're a white guy with cornrows it should be several acres and in Nebraska.

   Dear Santa, I didn't want to make it too hard for you this year, so, the only thing on my list this year is 1 year paid leave from work. with bonus

   I hate that I push myself to do so many squats and lunges only to be forced into walking like a penguin the next day.

   Laughter is the best medicine... except for treating diarrhea...

   I wish I had a twin so I could have every other day off of work.

   Hand sanitizer is the best way to find invisible cuts on your hands.

   2013: The year the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to comedy.

   Candyland tastes like cardboard.

   if you are down & need a friend, call me...if you need to borrow money, the number you have dialed is no longer in service

   Lonely and unloved? There's a cat for that.

   Never tell a woman to calm down when she's drunk, it's like baptizing a cat. It's not gonna work

   I hope they gave this year's Nobel Prize to the dude who invented Yoga Pants.

   Did you ever notice all the people in casino commercials are young, attractive and not in need of oxygen?

   R.I.P. Andy Griffith..........There's a new sheriff in town!

   I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.