Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My parents used to be happy when I took naps… but now they think I'm lazy.

   My wife says I waste money on gadgets we don't need. At least that's what it says in the email she sent from the toaster.

   Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so fvck it!

   That mini heart attack when you can't feel your phone in your pocket!

   I am aware that I am less than some people perfer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.

   I listed Starbucks as my emergency contact at work.

   I'm not a smartass... Just being around me makes you feel like a dumbass...

   Dear Xbox Kinect, if I wanted to use my whole body to play sports, I would just play sports.

   Charlie Sheen is Kenny Powers with more money.

   I know my dream woman is out there somewhere. And that her boring friend is the one who's into me.

   I'm not so much anti-social as I am pro-being left alone.

   Don't underestimate me. That's my family's job.

   Let everyone know what is on your mind, but let only a few know what is in your heart.

   Why are Adam and Eve always depicted with belly buttons?

   Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.

   sometimes you gotta save peoples numbers just so you know which ones to ignore!!

   Ever have one of those days when your keys kicked your ass at a game of hide and seek?

   In a perfect world you would be able to mark people as spam in real life.

   i dont think people enjoyed kates "train" as much as they watched her sisters "caboose"

   says it is comforting to know the last person Osama Bin Laden saw on this Earth was an American