life Funny Status Messages

   I wish I had the confidence in real life that ugly people have on Facebook.

   Some times I just want to control alt delete my life and hit Esc. . .

   Fear does not prevent death. It prevents life

   You're just once young but you can be a fool for the rest of your life.

   Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it's a survival thing.

   Why does it seem like I need a machete, a jack hammer, and Jaws of life nearby everytime I need to remove a childs toy from it's packaging

   Nothing in life is free.... Someone always pays!

   Life isn't a garden...so stop being a hoe!

   The way my luck runs, if I were hanging on to the side of a cliff for dear life, the person reaching down to pull me up would be a leper.

   Married women think I'm way too awesome to be single. Single women don't give a sh!t what married women think. Life is still stupid.

   You can't judge a book by its cover. I read that on a book cover. It's like a life lesson if you really think about it.

   I have done literally nothing in my life to prevent forest fires.

   Life is weird, first you wanna grow up, then you wanna be a kid again..

   I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up at the gym in january.

   I really dont understand why I’m still a virgin when I have never watched any Twilight Movie or bought any Justin Bieber Album in my whole life.

   I asked my wife for advice once. Worst three days of my life.

   The day you start looking forward to being abused in the nursing home is the day you realize your life sucks

   Don't worry about being alone on Valentine's Day. Worry about being alone the rest of your life.

   almost drowned in the shower yesterday, so today I have my life jacket and the voices and I have rehearsed what to do in case of an emergency

   Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”