Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Todays Generation – “omg my parents never let me have nything.” via iPhone

   FACT: Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

   If the Government shuts down who will spy on me?

   Marks & Spencer have apologised for switching the labels on some salads, which caused vegans to accidentally eat chicken. If you're one of the vegans who mistakenly ate one of those salads ...That's why it was so yummy!

   Somewhere over the US, there's a drone flying on autopilot.

   Comment on people’s Instagram food pictures with “Funny how your body will convert all this into poop”.

   You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.

   Listening to Ke$ha yodel over a country techno beat while Pitbull barks in Spanish has been the most confusing experience of my adult life

   Brrr, today is a good day to double-up on the underwear.

   Kanye West said he's the next Nelson Mandela, so when are they gonna bury him?

   If I ever get rich, the first thing I'm going to do is start calling my comforter a duvet... And then maybe I'll learn all the names for lettuce.

   I went to Jared for my girlfriend's Christmas gift. I'm sure she will love her Subway gift card.

   I'm only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.

   I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.

   The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.

   My favorite yoga pose is mouthward facing pie.

   How many Denver broncos does it take to change a flat tire? One, unless it's a blowout, then the whole team shows up

   The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They say it's like being on a Royal Caribbean cruise.

   Waffles are just Pancakes with abs.