Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

   I just apologized to a chair for walking into it. Let's focus on my manners before you judge my sobriety.

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space

   Did you know that if you light a candle during a full moon and say the name of the person you love three times you will look very stupid doing that.

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed

   After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn't want to hear. "Who was that?"

   It’s so cute when recipes only say 1/4 cup of cheese. Bless their hearts.

   If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.

   Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1x

   Worse thing about flirting with disaster is when disaster turns away and says, "Ew."

   So on "The Bachelor," a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one of them is convinced that he'd be the perfect husband. And this is a "reality" show?

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line