Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   English teachers on Facebook must feel the same hopelessness as dentists do when they're at a candy shop

   You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   Welcome to your 40s. Drugs are no longer just for fun, they’re medicine now

   Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.

   My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.

   A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer. That's all.

   If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   This dentist just told me I need a crown, and it's a relief to finally start getting some recognition around here.

   It is in everyone’s best interest to just keep scrolling

   Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.

   remember the time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate?

   That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn't get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn't brushed her teeth in forever

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

   An easy way to tell people you don't like them is to send them a Xmas card with glitter on it.