Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

   Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.

   If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   I'm reaching the point where I really hope it's not possible to be annoyed to death.

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line