Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again

   If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

   I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.

   The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when they really want Revenge.

   My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."

   Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.