Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

   Bad part about being a bomb disposal technician..... It takes me 6 hours to open my Christmas presents.

   please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you're happy now!!!

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.