Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day

   If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

   You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

   I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.

   I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Because lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !

   "Hey! No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn!" said no one ever.

   A new study says we should change how we feed cows so they don't produce so much of the greenhouse gas methane. First up, they recommend eliminating taco night.

   I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.

   I read this article earlier..that said.."cows have four stomachs"...and I wondered if anyone had checked this?..because it sounds like the sort of thing a cow would come out with to get more food?

   I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers

   If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?

   Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.

   I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.