Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.

   hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day

   You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

   I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

   I know there are idiot Savants, but are there Savant idiots ?.. Because lately stupid people sure do think they are smart !

   "Hey! No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn!" said no one ever.

   My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.

   Just when you thought you knew everything about The Beatles, Paul McCartney informs us that he used to masturbate with John Lennon. I'll be sure to file that in my memory bank of useless information.

   I read this article earlier..that said.."cows have four stomachs"...and I wondered if anyone had checked this?..because it sounds like the sort of thing a cow would come out with to get more food?

   If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   I always ask if I can pay in bitcoins now, not because I have any but because I want to be cool

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line

   All those Olympic curlers are headed back home now, where the wife is standing by the door with a mop and a broom saying "no more excuses"

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

   One of the great things about having kids is that you can check your pulse using the veins on the side of your head

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.