Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 8 of 6272

Elevator music bothers me on many levels
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10-18-2017 12:19
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For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.
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06-06-2018 16:23
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Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
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11-10-2017 07:38
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I'm not buying a 2021 calendar until I see the trailer. Not gonna get me again

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
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08-24-2020 14:41
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I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
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09-17-2020 07:48
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I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.
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08-20-2017 09:27 by Markf
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The problem with this country is that too many people say they want Justice when they really want Revenge.
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07-13-2020 07:03
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My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.
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01-15-2020 16:50 by Fazzy
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When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
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09-16-2017 22:22
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Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
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12-04-2017 12:05
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There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.
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12-20-2017 08:59
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If you put the words "Let's see who reads this" at the beginning of your post it virtually guarantees that I won't.
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08-08-2018 07:12
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Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.
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08-31-2018 09:52
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You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
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12-16-2017 08:14
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It’s Thursday… or as I like to call it, “Day 4 of the hostage situation.”
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01-05-2018 19:54
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Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
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04-28-2017 07:51
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When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."
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08-17-2017 08:41 by Moose42
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Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White and Keith Richards when we’re gone.
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05-05-2019 12:59
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"We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.
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05-04-2018 09:01
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