Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I can't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

   Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   Remember: Every single frozen corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person. Stay lazy, my friends.

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   Shouldn't there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel's mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man's shed?"

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   It’s not unusual to get Tom Jones songs stuck in your head.

   When I was a kid, the only password you had to remember was the one that got you into the treehouse.

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   Maybe the mattress stores could tell us when they are NOT having a sale

   Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?