Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   * 21st century where deleting history is more important than making it.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

   Einstein was a genius. It was his brother Frank that created a monster.

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   So you took pictures of fireworks tonight? Post all 50 of them- we really want to see!

   Alexa, what the hell are these Asian ladies saying about me in this nail salon?

   Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson hasn't released a movie in three weeks. I hope he's okay.

   Thinking of making a horror movie titled Front Facing Camera

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   Out of all the utensils to eat rice with how the f*@k did 2 sticks win?

   it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.

   Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.

   I'm so old that the only room I can go into and remember why is the bathroom.

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Everyone knows that one "special" person who's so well rounded they're pointless"

   If I voted and didn’t take a picture, did I really vote?

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.