Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Brian Williams said the dress is gold and white because he was there when it was made.

   Relationship status: I've developed a high tolerance for pepper spray.

   Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.

   I guess that is what a Brazilian wax feels like.

   it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?

   So, the prisoner exchange for Sgt. Bergdahl was illegal. I guess we are going to have to send him back.

   I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.

   Don't let anyone with bad eyebrows give you advice about life

   You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science

   Sometimes I wish there was a rollover plan for naps I didn't take when I was a kid

   People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that's called a Turn Signal.

   People say Cookie Monster sets a bad example and contributes to childhood obesity. Cookie Monster says people need to stop using cookie loving puppet as excuse for bad parenting.

   Those miniature bottles of alcohol at the liquor store should be free samples while you shop.

   Thanks to modern medicine, we can stay sexually active way past the age where anyone wants to see us nekkid.

   In what world does a box of macaroni and cheese serve 4 people?

   .... The poor mother was only trying to give her son a chance at a better life ..... Then zookeepers shot his new adoptive parent.

   I'm bored, I think I'll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women

   Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???

   Ok body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the "energizing" claims. You're soap.