Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh I'm sorry.. I didn't know it was "bring your feelings to work day".

   just heard a woodpecker call me a "paranoid weirdo" in morse code.

   After you kill somebody with kindness, is there a way to "discreetly dispose of the body with kindness"?

   The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.

   Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.

   Nobody cares if you’re going to bed or woke up on Facebook, unless it’s with them.

   It's easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.

   Open an ice cream shop and name your flavors things like: "don't be sad","he's not worth it","you deserve better".

   for my next magic trick i'll need a condom and a volunteer,.

   So the North Korean soccer team won their opening game at the Olympics yesterday! I'm guessing they will be allowed to live, at least until they lose!

   Don't judge a book by it's cover... Unless that book is Twilight, then you can judge the book and it's reader.

   Nothing ruins your Friday faster than realizing it's only Wednesday.

   my therapist said I have multiple personalities and rage issues so we hit him...

   I'm southern but not, "Calvin peeing on things decal on my truck" southern.

   If you think sleeping with your girlfriend’s best friend will piss her off then you obviously haven’t tried hiding one of her shoes.

   Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

   I wouldn't even know what to do in a threesome. Probably jumping jacks.

   Fellas; Not all women are interested in your money. Some of them only want your souls.

   If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??

   Erin Andrews, you lose all your hotness when you do a commercial for a product that helps you $hit...