Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Reality T.V. Show Idea: Put The Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, and the Jersey Shore cast on a island. Have them fight it out until the last one stands and call it "Who Gives A Fu¢k"

   anybody gonna mention the fact that the Mayans couldn't even predict the Spanish coming?

   •When she came home I had laid a trail of roses to the bedroom...I had candles lit everywhere, jazz playing in the background and wine chilling with me waiting for her in my robe...now the next thing I need to do is introduce myself......

   I just wish once someone would call me "Sir". . . without adding, "You're making a scene."

   taking a mental vacation...my body is here but my mind is gone somewhere tropical with lots of water sunshine and a cold drink

   I'm dedicating this status update to all the statusless people out there. Stay strong.

   wondering why brain cells die, skin cells die, your hair follicle die, but fat cells live FOREVER?

   increasingly tempted to use the 'Like' button as a subversive, vaguely passive-aggressive weapon. For instance, some shithead I recently deleted who I was never too keen on, announced that his car had been stolen...It seeemed an ideal moment to click like

   Ever just met someone you want to put in a large trash bag filled with a couple cinder blocks and drop them from a bridge? No? Me neither.

   thinks that everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it.

   iF YoU tyPE LiKE ThiS, YoU'rE prOBAblY tOo YoUNG To bE oN fACebOoK.

   the world needs a hero - I'll go change my clothes

   Live your life and forget your age...

   Breaking News: The National Weather Center has issued a tornado warning for Western NY. For your own safety head to Ralph Wilson Stadium, they're not worried about a touchdown there.......

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

   Wait?? The NSA's "Facial Recognition" software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending maching at work can't recognize a dollar with a bent corner?

   I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

   "Oh.... I can't wait tto see all the clever and funny Bitstrip cartoons my Facebook friends posted today!!!!" ~ Said no one, EVER!

   "Old Macdonald had a farm,,, Had."............ * Bank of America