Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.

   Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

   Thinks facebook has ruined school reunions.. now everyone knows your full of sh*t before you get there..

   If I have to buy you a present when you get married, then you have to buy me a present when you get divorced. It's only fair.

   Your Halloween costume came to my house by mistake today, sorry I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c**ksucker again I see!

   They say there's a sucker born every minute but I'd be more curious to find out at what rate swallowers are born.

   Do you ever laugh so hard you accidentally work your abs?

   ""Daddy, whats a transvestite?” “Go ask your mother…he'll tell you.”

   I don't cut in front of people whenever I'm waiting in long line, that's rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.

   Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could've given her a heads up, but then I wouldn't have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.

   ‎"Give it to me!" she said, "I'm so wet, give it to me right now!" And I replied, “Screw you, it's my umbrella!”

   Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small pen!s and a stupid shirt."

   If you drink enough, your brain starts photoshopping people.

   Thank you for your payment, I'm going to give you a confirmation number." "Cool, I'm going to pretend I'm writing it down.

   Whatever you do in life, always give 100%...unless you're donating blood...

   Why post a picture on Facebook with the caption 'OMG I'm sooooooo ugly or fat' and then get annoyed when I agree?

   99 years ago today, the Titanic chose to hit an iceberg and sink rather than spend another day listening to Celine Dion.

   Got told by my Psychiatrist this morning that I'm both indecisive and a Kleptomaniac. I don't know how to take that.

   We all have that one friend who needs to get laid. Well, at least my friends do.

   I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around in random items.