Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.

   The south side of Chicago needs a wildfire...

   Wishing my dog had a snooze button!!

   My twelve year old was riding with me listening to a classic rock station and he says "I can't believe they have a Rock Band staion!"

   A journey of ten feet begins with a single “Where the #%!= is the remote?”

   Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville.

   Fact: If you sneak away to fart loudly in private and get caught by some innocent person walking by, you have to now hate that person.

   Navy Seals.......Terminix for a larger cockroach........

   Regardless of whether or not I should know better, I thought we had already established that no, I do not.

   If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, Facebook would be much more peaceful.

   It's so annoying when someone is talking and I'm trying to interrupt

   Everytime I drink I break my "No" button. Yes, I want another drink. Yes, you can take me home. Yes, I'm sure I can drive. Yes, I will dance on the bar."

   You know that feeling when you arrive at work in the morning excited for the new day, looking forward to new challenges? Me neither.

   Save money on a bigger TV by simply moving the couch closer to your existing one.

   RIP Macho Man. He must of had an early boarding pass for the rapture. You will be missed......

   The term weekend could have a whole new meaning tomorrow.

   Unf*cking believable, I expected to see Zombies outside of my apartment, you know what I saw? A dog taking a dump

   the elevator to success is out of order please use the stairs, one step at a time

   When someone from customer service says, "that is an excellent question"... they're basically saying they don't have a clue about the answer.