Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A new game show for parents with newly born babies: So You Think You Can Sleep.

   Fact: A 3 year old can hear a candy wrapper being opened from up to 300 miles away.

   Young lady, I'm old enough to be your dad's creepy high school friend with a pony tail who never married and works at the skating rink.

   Sex is great, but.....HAVE YOU EVER HAD STUFFED CRUST PIZZA?!?!

   Congrats to Comcast! Finally, somebody is happy to have Time-Warner Cable.

   Post something very nice and flattering about someone. Then, after they thank you, change it to something dirty!!

   Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.

   Welcome to Chopped. Your mystery basket ingredients are four of your exes, from which you must create one decent human being.

   Girlfriend is going out of town tonight .... Who wants to come over and ask a bunch of questions about the movie I'm watching?

   I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.

   If by handyman you mean someone with a nice collection of wrenches that came with unassembled furniture then yes, I'm a handyman...

   my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?

   What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?

   Just went you think it can't get any worse.. Miley, Amy & Katy now refuse to leave. America just can't get a break!

   And they called ME the deplorable....

   I am constantly putting things where they don’t belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

   Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

   It is amazing how many people have such bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   Well Easter is almost over, just saw Walmart employees putting up Christmas Decorations......

   Stupid kid fell in the well again. --Lassie, if she were a cat.