Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex offered me a ride to the appointment, I declined and politely told her that I didn't think we would both fit on her broom...

   I wish we could all legally divorce Kim Kardashian......

   I always leave a light on when I'm not home so no one accidentally breaks anything while robbing me.

   Lazy is a strong word. I prefer to say that the stars are reaching for me.

   THREE LAWS OF SCIENCE: 1. IF IT SMELLS BAD IT'S CHEMISTRY 2. IF ITS MUSHY IT'S BIOLOGY 3.IF IT DOESNT WORK ITS PHYSICS

   I have to give a speech next week about the link between anxiety and insomnia, I have been up all night thinking about it.

   HoodTranslations101: "Sh*t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughin matter

   There is a big difference between hating you and losing respect for you.

   You know you've been friendzoned if a girl adds you as her brother on Facebook.

   If I'm down on my knees, I'm probably not one who's begging.

   Elmer Fudd knew how to deal with a duck face.

   If my life flashes before my eyes, I hope it's not the special edition with all the deleted scenes I've blocked from my memory.

   How come you can wear jeans everyday and nobody cares... but you wear a shirt twice in one week and you're suddenly homeless?

   Ladies; if you're not prepared to drink the whole bottle of wine, don't even uncork it.

   My innocent look never works in the nude.

   It is so hot, and I have typed so much, I am having to dunk my fingers in gatorade to keep them from cramping!

   I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I'm not even married.

   If I want to nap for just an hour, I have a big glass of water beforehand. Alarms can be turned off, but a full bladder waits for no one.

   I dont talk to strangers, but I will stare and judge like I know them. Thanks for that skill grandma

   Attention Club Lonely... Keep posting those deep, philosophical, pseudo, life enriching quotes on your profiles. It tells the opposite sex what a day at the amusement park you are.