Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the head of the CIA (Petraeus) can't keep a secret such as cheating on his wife, then they're screwed.

   I don't know what all this fuss is about Same Sex Marriage! Me and my wife have been having the same sex for 21yrs! It's boring but it isn't worth getting all upset over!!!

   Homeless guy walking by this bar patio looked at me and said "I'm your future," and I was like "Sweet, we have a cool beard."

   I see you over there practicing selective intelligence.

   HEY,,,, Don't complain to me about "how hard life is out there",,, When I was your age,,, they only had three types of salad dressing,,,,,,,THREE......

   I was driving through a parking lot and this young guy was walking along, texting. He briefly glanced at my truck passing by and was timing his walk so he would pass by right behind my truck as I drove by....he didn't see the ladder sticking out the back.

   I don't always eat breakfast naked, but when I do, I get escorted out of IHOP really quickly......

   I'm guessing we call it "baby powder" because that sounds better than "adult ball powder"?

   I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

   All new Hell's Kitchen tonight. Going to get into the spirit by hanging out in the kitchen and scream at my wife while she cooks dinner.

   I tried to say no to the vodka but it was 40% stronger than me

   When I was a kid they didn't call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "A Brat about to get an a$s whooping".

   FYI- Clear plastic bra straps make you look like you're stuffed in a 6-pack ring.

   Its all fun and games until you realise your Capri Sun has no straw.

   So you wonder why I never seem to get any sleep. Well I never go to bed angry. I stay up and plot my revenge. So ask yourself something, do I hate alot of people or is one person really going to get it. Now your wondering if its you.

   Honestly can people quit falling for these Facebook scams and virus's all this 'view her commit suicide' or links to other random crap like 'view whos seen ur profile' - just dont click on it! Their all bugs so avoid at all costs! Dont let curiosity kill

   Elton John is said to be writting a tribute song for Bin Laden's Death - SANDALS IN THE BIN

   Let's play a game. Let's pretend we're in love. lets text each other all the time, just for the fun. Whoever falls in love first, loses.

   Why is that the world is always going to end on a weekend? Why not Monday morning, ideally before I have to get up and go to work?

   Here's how I know I'm smarter than a 5th grader... I didn't have to go to school today.