Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Say no to drugs and socks with sandals

   I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.

   What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?

   How come I never got invited to eat tacos outside Bills office?

   When the bed is making more noise than the girl, it's probably time for a replacement.

   Wonders how many poor undeserving children of the next generation will be named Bella, Edward, Jacob or Cullen.

   Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.

   "Cool, I love candles. What's with the knives? Wait, stop. Please stop!" - pumpkin

   I have been watching the Texas Rangers the entire postseason and not once has Walker got to play....

   To anyone who would risk their lives for their country foreign or domestic, I tip my hat to you.

   Why pay to watch the new Twilight movie when setting yourself on fire is free?

   All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.

   How come the girls with the sluttiest Facebook pages are the one's who talk the loudest about their Christian values?

   'North Korea threatens new nuclear test.' Pfft... Lets be honest, have you ever owned anything made in Korea that worked?

   Still trying to find a balloon that says: Congrats on your 6th baby with different men" I wont stop till I find it cuz I'm a good friend.

   Text from hubby: Wanna go to Lowe’s and get a new toilet seat tonight? Me: Hell yeah! In your face single people. IN. YOUR. FACE.

   I don't sign anything without pretending to read it first.

   Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life has never experienced two candy bars falling down at the same time from a vending machine!!!!

   You're exceeding the limits of my medication. Please go away.

   I'd like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about bathroom mirror profile pictures.