Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two..

   They called it boxing because fisting was already taken.

   Bill Cosby's lawyer says Cosby is legally blind, that might explain the sweaters & why he can't see his wedding ring.

   I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can't have any more food and I'm never ready for that kind of commitment

   What if like 30 years from now they make a movie about Leonardo DiCaprio and how he never won an Oscar, and the guy who plays Leonardo wins an Oscar for his performance?

   If she can string a sentence together while you are f*cking her, you're not doing it hard enough.

   Life is more exciting when you're out there living it. I read that somewhere.

   I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to Starbucks, check-in there, take a picture with my coffee with Instagram, and add a caption of how good it was, while including two Twitter hashtags #Starbucks #GreatDay

   Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

   My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I'm done.

   Please don't start calling me 'hero' but this lady collapsed at the grocery store and I was the first one to call for a clean up in Aisle 3.

   I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick someone in the face to wake it up.

   Does a prostitute file pregnancy as a work-related accident?

   sweet old lady in front of me driving the lincoln, smoking with one hand and texting with the other, please stop hitting your brakes because I am gonna spill my beer

   I hate when I throw my phone onto my bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.

   Well, it's easy to tell I'm married. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status...

   I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6.

   A lot of problems would disappear if people talked to each other more than talking about each other.

   Hey, people who name things. Good job on "waiting room." Really spot on.

   Ladies: A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...oh sorry thats wine...wine does that.