Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I shouldn't have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.

   says Ladies; if you don't know how to dance, just spell your name with your butt. Problem solved.

   Hey adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via Facebook, learn how to text.

   A new day doesn't officially start until you take a shower.

   If I had a cooking show, it would be called Do You Smell Something Burning?

   I'm not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

   Looking at all the post on my news feed, it is very hot today. News Flash people, it is summertime. That is what happens in summer months. Keep me posted in January also when it is cold out. Thanks

   Dear McDonalds, Just to let you know, the first 60 seconds I obtain my French Fries they are like a box of fried deliciousness. However, after 61 seconds, they suddenly turn into rubber sticks of sh!t. Work on that

   in light of Anderson Cooper coming out....the reach around will now be known as the AC 360

   Mic Jagger'snew book says he slept with 4,000 women!..........Well 3,999 if you subtract David Bowie!!!

   Today I'm announcing that I still can't afford the first iPad.

   I came home drunk last night and my wife looks at me says"Drunk Again" and I said "Me Too!!

   If you're STUPID enough to vote for someone because of a celebrity endorsement plese delete yourself from my friends list...Thank you.

   If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk.

   Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.

   There is a person out there for everyone.... Your person just happens to be five cats

   Oh so your boyfriend cheated on you? But how is every other man on this planet responsible for it?

   I believe in love. I also believe in Superman and The Force.

   Hillary is now on reason #549 why she lost the election.

   It is amazing how many people have bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.