Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I seriously wonder how people find me on Facebook when we have 0 mutual friends

   If friends could be bought at the store, I'd buy you. And I'd get a good deal because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted.

   Although it's true that when I think about you I touch myself, it usually involves a sharp instrument to the heart region…you know, as a reminder….

   I miss the good ole days when moms wanted us home for dinner she didn't have to use a cell. Her speed dial was yelling "time to eat" out the window.

   Drink up! Its somebody's birthday today!!

   I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie

   Just saw a story on CNN about bomb sniffing mice. When they smell an explosive they run...Re-confirms what I already knew, if you see a mouse running around...RUN!!!

   Just once I would like to see a sanitary commercial where the actress actually has a normal peroid- cranky and eating a snickers bar, not happy and playing sport!

   Did you know? Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.

   A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

   Developing News: I already started drinking.

   This just in, all the kids in Kindergarten Cop are Arnold's

   To all those that use our competitors brand...Happy Father's Day From the people of Durex

   Why do they try to make pet food in TV commercials look good to humans?

   The only yoga stretch I have perfected is the yawn.

   Facebook has made changes, yes. Some good and bad but after all this still no {DISLIKE} button.......sh!t

   Our neighbor said he wouldn't mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.

   Midas' touch, Baby! Uh huh, I gots it! Everything I'm touching is turning to gold today. Oh yeah! Wait. Never mind. F**king Cheetos.

   Watch out! It's quite possible some of my best mistakes haven't been made yet.

   The grass isnt always greener on the other side...its greener where you choose to water it:)