Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If women are SOOOOOOOO good at muti-tasking, why cant they have sex and a headache at the same time?

   Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!?

   People that drive below the speed limit are the same people that are never invited to parties.

   Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a roll or you're taking sh!t from some @sshole!

   When I grocery shop for the wife I always buy cucumbers smaller than me, just in case.

   Just once I want a Walmart greeter to give me the finger and mouth the words "f*ck you."

   Whenever I hand someone my camera to take a picture, they act like I'm asking them to pilot an alien spaceship. JUST PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!

   What makes me so funny? My strict diet of sunshine and unicorn meat!

   If I had to choose one person that I really look up to.... It would be myself, for having the strength to get up everyday and overcome myself.... I'm the most self-destructive person alive

   I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.

   How can you tell a woman is having a bad day?? she has a tampon behind her ear and cant find her cigarette

   When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

   I ask Google all the questions I'm too embarrassed to ask other people.

   wondering, if you get Mickey Mouse ears at Disney World, what do you get at Dollywood?

   you can get whatever you want in this life,if you have self confidence,determination...and huge t!ts.

   Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"...

   I don't mind going to work. It's that 8 hour wait to go home that sucks!

   In a BMW manual the first page says "Drive like an a$$hole" and rest is just tips on how to bring up your BMW in every conversation.

   There iis both a freedom of speech and freedom of silence......a wise person knows when to use both.

   Research says laughter can lengthen your life and smoking shortens it. So, I always chuckle between puffs.