Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days I don't know why I even put my cape on.

   You don't know true competition until you're one of the last two people in musical chairs.

   There... crazy glued quarters to the ground in front of the vending machine at work...let the fun begin....

   These spaghetti-o's taste like I don't get paid until tomorrow.

   When you give up and stop believing in yourself, it's much easier to worship and idolize another. That's how ass kissing and celebrity worshipping begins.

   They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.

   HOW TO CONFUSE A WOMAN: Buy her a pair of shoes made from chocolate!!!

   Other people's children are my form of birth control.

   How are the VMA's even possible when they dont play music??

   People go to the bar hoping for two things...to get hammered or to get nailed.

   UPS delivery guys don't like it when you go up to their truck and order two tacos to go.

   I thought I met the girl of my dreams at the bar last night...until she said "hello" and sounded like that guy from the Allstate commercials! :/

   sometimes when people are talking to me I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them right in the face

   Shaving your head when you're going bald is the ultimate "You can't fire me, I quit."

   I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy's it would take to levitate?

   Your about as useful as decaffienated coffee.

   I've had six red bulls so of course I'm counting all the leaves on the trees as I drive past them.

   If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate,, it is not me. I believe I've been hacked.

   Some people are flirting with my delete & block button.

   We r so poor, We are taking our vacation on Google Street View this year.....