Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HOW TO CONFUSE A WOMAN: Buy her a pair of shoes made from chocolate!!!

   Other people's children are my form of birth control.

   Who's gonna give Rob Schneider work when Adam Sandler dies?

   Killing everyone in your anger management class really calms you down.

   This job fair sucks... They don't have one ride...

   Some days I don't know why I even put my cape on.

   You don't know true competition until you're one of the last two people in musical chairs.

   Coffee, You're on the bench. Alcohol...suit up!

   When one door closes, another one opens. Then you're inside Walmart.

   Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.

   I wonder if Kanye West's baby cries in autotune...

   been accused by others of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine!

   Remember how your teachers would drink in the staff lounge, only it was just one teacher, and she drank all day, and you were homeschooled?

   It's not my fault you thought I was normal.

   If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate,, it is not me. I believe I've been hacked.

   Some people are flirting with my delete & block button.

   We r so poor, We are taking our vacation on Google Street View this year.....

   Thanks US Postal Service for putting garbage in my mailbox so I can bring it in my home and then take it out to the trashcan later.

   Make her feel like she's the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

   Kim Kardashian has given birth. No news on how big the litter.