Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook seems like the best place to come out of the closet. If it doesn't go over well you can just say you were hacked.

   Sometimes, when two people love each other very much, they get married and ruin everything.

   the local weather: We are expecting 2 to 3 feet of drama this evening with bullshit blowing in from all directions!

   I hate finding out I'm arguing with someone who actually knows what they're talking about.

   Huh, turns out that staying up until 4 am and surfing adult sites is not considered insomnia. Thank God!!! I really thought I had a problem…..

   I had a girlfriend that said she was leaving me because I was so arrogant! I told her to close the door on her way back in!!!

   I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and hug them because I know how hard life is for the visually impaired.

   Love is a matter of chemistry,sex is a matter of physics.

   Baldly going where no man has gone before…

   Well,today was a total waste of makeup.

   wondering if they sell over-priced bottles of water in Fiji called America?

   Gravity, is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Magnetism , Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

   I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.

   saw a man get out of his convertible at Wal-Mart yesterday, take two steps and then turn back to lock the doors. I chuckled because the top was down.

   Hates when people come inside her work when its nice out and says "It's so nice out too nice to be inside!" Thanks I couldn't tell it was too nice to be working, guess that big yellow thing in sky isn't a lemon!!!!!

   note to self: even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal. o_o

   there is a midget in line in front of me at the Walgreens. He has a bag of pork rinds and a box of condoms...my question...which one do you think was the impulse buy?

   Where did Macaulay Culkin get the cardboard people for the party in Home Alone? Don't tell me you haven't also wondered this from time to time.

   got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust.