Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.

   Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it!!

   Do you know that feeling when you have a lot of work to do and you dont know where to start? Thats why I'm on Facebook

   Watch what you say to me today... because it will be recorded and played back for you tomorrow!

   B!tches or not, 99 problems is still a sh!tload of problems.

   Because it's the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you're welcome.

   When life hands you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol, and less than 2% natural flavors...make lemonade.

   I wonder what I did at work before I had and I-phone and Facebook.

   Sometimes I look at what someone is wearing and I can't help but think, "did you give up on life?"

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. And thats where I come in.

   Despite protests, my wife has yet to step down from her post as the oppressive leader of our house.

   Some people are so dumb that I automatically assume their parents are siblings.

   Trust is like an eraser. It gets smaller and smaller after every mistake.

   A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.

   If I ever get a Jury Summons, I figure I can just send them a link to my Facebook page to get out of it.

   I'm a kind and generous person, except for those days when, for no apparent reason, I hate pretty much everyone.

   Forget Valentine's Day, National Pancake day is the 16th!

   When I was young I used to poke holes in my parent's condoms so that there could be someone else to do the dishes.

   Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?

   I love it when I read a post and I think ive read the page but its just some idiot reposting a post from a few pages back.