Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

   We have to stop this recent culture of people telling us they're offended and expecting us to give a f**k.

   Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.

   Some people walk the walk and some people talk the talk. I drink the drink.

   My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell 'em: "You're gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!

   I hope everybody enjoys the new air guitar I sent them for Christmas.

   Teenage girls: stop making the duck face in all your photos. I don't know who told you it was attractive cause it isn't. You look quite stupid and immature, not to mention ugly. Mostly stupid. Real stupid.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: HARASSMENT. Usage: “My wife caught me sleeping with another woman and I said don't worry honey, harassment nothing to me.”

   By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks shes wrong.

   Does anybody else check their keyboard after somebody mispells something to see how close the letters were?

   My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...

   Don't worry that you're 40.. you're just 1 in “cougar-years.”

   Whenever someone sasy: "I'm sorry, it's just who I am." What they really mean is: "I am a giant a**hole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."

   I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.

   Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

   Happy 4th of July my American friends. We got you a gift. His name is Justin Bieber. Keep him!! Love Canada.

   remember before facebook when you would take a picture of your dinner, get it developed and take it to all your friends houses and show them?. Me neither.

   here's to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store

   A Mosquito landed on my friends face.. Easiest decision of my life..