Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I treat myself to a random hookup, I make sure to give it my all and really wow the girl. I don't need someone out there running around saying that I'm not a good bed buddy or couch buddy. Or kitchen table buddy. Or airport bathroom buddy.

   I can think of atleast 3 different ways to spend 78 million dollars more effectively.

   I prefer to learn from someone elses mistakes.

   would like to congratulate the makers of her new facial cleanser for truth in advertising. They promised younger looking skin & they were right...I haven't had acne like this since high school.

   ..i got tired of the grass always being greener on the other side, so that's where I've been sending my dog to relieve herself.

   •Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

   So exactly how many "become a fan of" or "join a groups" that promises a free something does it take for people to finally figure out that they don't work? I mean good lord, gullible much?

   best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup; the best part is remembering the name of the person sleeping next to you.

   Don't rush me. I'm waiting for the last minute.

   If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed. - Today's media and Nazi Propoganda

   Never rob a bank with a vegan... They will tell everyone.

   I think before people are allowed to protest and try to overturn an election, The protesters should first be required to take a basic Civics 101 class.

   ladies first is just a polite way of saying I wanna check out your booty

   Ok great name for a band .".Half Price Drinks" how can you not pack them in on a Friday night with that name on the sign out front

   Sometimes my mind wanders. I don't know what it does the rest of the time.

   McDonald's Happy Meal. A tiny burger, 8 fries, a sip of Coke, and a cheap 2¢ toy. Happy? Yeah, I'm ecstatic.

   "If your wife can't handle a compliment, maybe she shouldn't keep such a well groomed moustache!"

   They say so many people die because of alcohol... Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it.

   Keeping a Blockbuster card in your wallet is like carrying $100 in Confederate bills.

   Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."