Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is "My god how does he drink his beer??", You might be an alcoholic.

   Men say women should come with instructions. Hello! When was the last time you saw a guy read the instructions?

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

   I am sorry, I can't be a part of this diabolical act. Just kidding. I'll get the shovel.

   I don't hold grudges but my ignore game is beast mode

   all I know is that before I watched Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMA's, it didn't burn when I peed.

   Miley's a$$ is so flat it looks like a backwards cameltoe!!

   Taylor Swift seems like the kinda girl who would put her stuffed animals in another room when she has sex.

   My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour.

   needs a shirt that says "Relax! It's not Swine Flu, it's just my allergies.

   I'm picturing you naked right now. Airbrushed, Photoshopped and digitally enhanced, but totally naked...

   If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it

   Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

   if it is not on wikipedia, then you are wrong, lady

   Some people use the power of positive thinking..... others you can be positive that they're not thinking

   "Scent" is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.

   just written "You have no new messages" on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and thrown it far out to sea.

   Bing is a great website, for internet searches. I know this, because I Googled it.

   Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets...