Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon At this point, the only guy on the internet that I trust with my personal data is that Nigerian Prince.
←Rate | 04-13-2018 07:55 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.
←Rate | 04-10-2020 14:38 by MDS Comments (0)  


   messageicon The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that in the long run sex for free will cost a lot more.
←Rate | 06-10-2020 09:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best Safeword you can use is "Meatloaf." It means "I would do anything for love but I won't do that."
←Rate | 09-04-2019 07:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.
←Rate | 09-15-2017 00:24 by Moon Comments (2)  


   messageicon Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.
←Rate | 05-25-2017 08:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
←Rate | 11-22-2017 02:45 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
←Rate | 05-24-2018 02:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.
←Rate | 05-27-2018 17:55 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
←Rate | 06-14-2018 07:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
←Rate | 07-31-2018 09:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Facebook just suggested I poke my wife.....yeah good one Facebook.....been trying for weeks!
←Rate | 08-28-2018 09:05 by Stevielea Comments (2)  


   messageicon For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.
←Rate | 08-10-2020 08:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
←Rate | 03-27-2018 20:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
←Rate | 10-13-2019 17:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.
←Rate | 04-02-2020 11:55 by GlimmerTriplet Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
←Rate | 04-27-2020 15:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
←Rate | 06-19-2020 08:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it
←Rate | 05-22-2017 07:39 Comments (0)  




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