Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 7 of 6099

   messageicon Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look at me all out and about on a week night like some kind of rock star. Target Cashier: Credit or debit?
←Rate | 10-30-2019 00:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you think your job is pointless there's a guy in Germany installing Turn Signals on BMWs.
←Rate | 10-31-2019 19:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon it really necessary for the first square of a roll of toilet paper to be glued down?
←Rate | 11-01-2019 11:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Taco Bell food.
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which I want to see my own face in high definition
←Rate | 09-26-2019 05:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed?
←Rate | 10-15-2019 13:32 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re arguing loudly on your cell in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story. ‬
←Rate | 10-21-2019 10:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Allow your children to believe in Santa Claus. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining the magic for you .
←Rate | 10-21-2019 14:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So are we just going to ignore the fact that all adults have a favorite stovetop burner & no one talks about it
←Rate | 10-21-2019 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
←Rate | 10-23-2019 15:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I'm an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It's because I'm poor.
←Rate | 11-04-2019 16:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
←Rate | 03-26-2018 14:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
←Rate | 08-08-2019 06:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
←Rate | 09-06-2019 12:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds
←Rate | 09-24-2019 15:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever you're having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
←Rate | 09-26-2019 13:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Before Facebook I had to disappoint people in person
←Rate | 09-26-2019 15:28 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "buttcheeks" one word or should I spread them apart?
←Rate | 10-08-2019 17:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.
←Rate | 10-15-2019 04:14 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left