Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police officer says "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence against you." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer"

   a man and his wife were having an intense fight when the wife told him to get out. so the husband packed his things and as he was leaving, the wife said "i hope you die a slow agonizing death"the husband replied "oh, so now you want me to stay?

   Where the hell were these teachers that bang their students when I was in high school?!

   I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday.

   In about 50 years from now, tombstones will read 'Beloved Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, and Facebook friend

   my penis is so big that if I layed it out on a keyboard it would go from A to Z......wait! SH*T!

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."

   Macaroni would be nothing if it weren't for cheese. Cheese, on the other hand, doesn't need macaroni to stay pimp. I think we all know who wears the pants in the macaroni and cheese relationship.

   Honey Boo Boo's mother has a boyfriend and you're single. Just let that sink in..

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!

   So everybody hates Crocs yet the company is worth $2 billion! Some of you must be lying!

   Girls on Facebook: "Getting Starbucks with Jenny!" 2 minutes later: 141 pictures and 6 videos uploaded.

   Best Fortune cookie ever: "Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. Ask manager for application."

   Maybe Oscar wouldn't have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he's homeless

   Steve Jobs was born out of wedlock, put up for adoption at birth, dropped out of college, then changed the world. What's your excuse?

   Guess we should have been more specific about wanting a government shake up..

   So the wife and I went to Bed Bath & Beyond ,,, and we got a new toilet brush, I tried it out,,,, Yadda..Yadda..Yadda...I think I'm going to stick with toilet paper

   For the past 20 years I've been trying to figure out how to "Stop" Collaborate" and "Listen"

   wow 15 notifications.. oh wait 13 of them are for farmville, cityville, I dont give a sh*t-ville

   Hollywood is doing another “Mad Max” movie, where gas is so expensive that people steal and kill to get it. It takes place sometime in the future — like this coming July...