Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I receive an email from "MAILER-DAEMON" I feel like I should have my inbox blessed by a priest.

   I'm convinced this formula is correct: big car stereo = small wiener

   If Jessica Simpson doesn't name one of her kids "Homer", then seriously what's the point?

   If you allow your children to run around a restaurant unattended, and I am in that restaurant, I will teach them curse words and racial slurs.

   Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government

   Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, a feather off a hawk and the blood of a unicorn.

   If I hit the $500 Million remind me to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes

   I have 100 tabs open on my internet browser and I can't figure out which one the sound is coming from.

   I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

   Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an "All the stuff you can microwave" aisle.

   You aren't the first woman to have a baby so EVERY status update doesn't have to mention what the baby did, ate or is wearing!!!

   I honestly believe if there was a fan page or group in favor of dog poop mixed with rotten fish eggs being thrown at the elderly, people would join, if for no other reason but to click something.

   I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

   it just me, or does everyone have two email addresses? One for normal emails between friends and work, the other for spontaneously registering on random websites.

   Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Starbucks: 47 pictures.

   Someone please tell me why in the hell someone would open a tanning salon in an all black neighborhood?

   i always wondered why gay men look so young and healthy... then I realized they dont have to deal with women

   Sea levels aren't rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…

   I walked past a car filled with Mexican teens and they locked all the doors. I was feeling like a bad ass until I realized, it was my damn car.

   Sometimes when I cut my toenails, I leave them all over the floor just in case ants need to use them as swords when they are at war.