Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone besides me think the new Olympic Mascots resemble sex toys?????

   Happiness is not a destination. It is a method of life.

   You know you are having a bad day, when the bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

   It's sad when you can see how long you slept by looking at the time between Facebook status updates.

   I think it's not the morning that's bothering me. It's the awakeness.

   hopes Joran van der Sloot gets the electric chair...then he'll be called 'The Frying Dutchman'

   If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy.

   please don't interrupt me while I am ignoring you.

   If it wasn't for my superior willpower, I might be exercising right now!◕ ‿ ◕

   If you can't be a good example, be a warning...

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   May is National Procrastination Awareness Month.

   I wish bugs understood the concept of personal space.

   I always know what to say... It's the when and where to say it that I struggle with.

   It's 100° with an under-boob index of 110°.

   I'm wondering what kind of loser spends Thursday night drinking and bragging about it on Facebook? Anyway, I'm totally drunk.

   Some of you make impulsive, poorly thought out decisions. We should hang out more.

   I will give you 2 seconds to figure out that you have the right of way before I take it from you.

   typed this status with his toes.

   This Just In: James Comey, died in a car accident tomorrow .....