Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's not the morning that's bothering me. It's the awakeness.

   hopes Joran van der Sloot gets the electric chair...then he'll be called 'The Frying Dutchman'

   The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

   I just saw a commercial for Oprah's Farewell Season. I think I may jump for joy!!

   Rarely does one meet a ferret owner that isn't really creepy and weird

   lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

   need advice on how to make a paper cut to the jugular look like an accident.

   Logging off Facebook is like trying to get away from the bar. It's always, "I'll just have one more..."

   ˙ɹǝʌoƃuɐɥ ʇsɹoʍ ǝɥʇ sɐɥ

   Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe, I'll have another beer.

   not really rude, she just says what everybody else is thinking.

   Due to the current economy....I will no longer accept a penny for my thoughts. I want $1 for them now.

   The voices in my head have switched to sign language just to mess with me.

   anything more annoying then a stupid person who clearly doesn't know they are stupid!?

   For those of you who like to STIR THE POT..be sure you get a good grip on the handle!!

   Strangers have the best candy.

   If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy.

   please don't interrupt me while I am ignoring you.

   If it wasn't for my superior willpower, I might be exercising right now!◕ ‿ ◕

   If you can't be a good example, be a warning...