Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.

   I don't know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish's Birth date.

   I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   Makeup tip..... You aren't in the circus.

   Aparently people don't like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.

   Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald says he misspoke when he clamied he was in the "Special Forces"...he intended to say he was in "Special Education."...Easy mistake.

   Do you think the bums with Target shopping carts look down on the bums with Walmart shopping carts?

   I'm so glad television redefined the word "marathon" to mean the exact opposite of physical exercise.

   My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

   Treating others the way you what them to treat you is a great way to live your life. It may also quite possibly be sexual harassment...

   Well.. I was going to vote for a candidate but I saw a meme on Facebook,,, so now I'm going to vote for another candidate

   "Could you guys just have your election now?" - The entire world to America

   As your next President, I promise to remove all things Kardashian....

   I bet Batman's cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.

   .... If dueling to the death made a comeback today .... I bet people would start being a heck of a lot less offended!

   The Revolutionary War went on for like 8 years, yet we settle for a 3 day weekend? The founders would be so disappointed.

   May is National Procrastination Awareness Month.

   I wish bugs understood the concept of personal space.

   I always know what to say... It's the when and where to say it that I struggle with.