Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.

   I don't know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish's Birth date.

   I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   Makeup tip..... You aren't in the circus.

   Aparently people don't like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.

   Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert A. McDonald says he misspoke when he clamied he was in the "Special Forces"...he intended to say he was in "Special Education."...Easy mistake.

   Do you think the bums with Target shopping carts look down on the bums with Walmart shopping carts?

   I'm so glad television redefined the word "marathon" to mean the exact opposite of physical exercise.

   My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

   Treating others the way you what them to treat you is a great way to live your life. It may also quite possibly be sexual harassment...

   Well.. I was going to vote for a candidate but I saw a meme on Facebook,,, so now I'm going to vote for another candidate

   "Could you guys just have your election now?" - The entire world to America

   As your next President, I promise to remove all things Kardashian....

   I bet Batman's cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.

   .... If dueling to the death made a comeback today .... I bet people would start being a heck of a lot less offended!

   I just saw a commercial for Oprah's Farewell Season. I think I may jump for joy!!

   Rarely does one meet a ferret owner that isn't really creepy and weird

   lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

   need advice on how to make a paper cut to the jugular look like an accident.

   Logging off Facebook is like trying to get away from the bar. It's always, "I'll just have one more..."