Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone's status.

   Please don't try my patience. I already tried it and it doesn't work.

   Instead of Red Eye Reduction on camera's why can't they make one with double chin reduction? You can put a man on the moon, but....sheesh.

   It's hard to be naked and baked without wondering why the two words don't rhyme.

   "It's complicated" just means one person is all for it and the other person is riding the line.

   Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped.

   I went to fill out an application/job interview today. When I got to: "position applying for"........... I wrote "yours" followed by a " ;-) " and a "LOL." I think I NAILED it!!

   The wife asks "Do you wanna have sex or watch Top Chef?"... Apparently "Well, what are they cooking?" was the wrong answer

   After looking for hours I'm pretty sure Waldo has the d@mn remote again.

   Peggy - "Tell me you love me, Al - "I love football, I love beer, let's not cheapen the meaning of the word."

   Ever have one of those days at work no matter who talks to you they sound the teacher from The Peanuts cartoons?

   There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves

   Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you can't use "eenie-meenie-miney-moe to help make important life decisions

   Put on your Sunday's best kids. We're going to Sears....

   TV's highest paid actor was a crackhead... why the fu*#k am I in school?

   Life has been so good to me that I just thought I would celebrate within myself and get ridiculously drunk tonight...

   Wouldn't it be great if Ctrl+Alt+Del worked on stupid people?

   I'm designing a solar-powered automatic flushing toilet for people like my ex who think the sun shines out of their ass.

   I've been retracing my steps and now I have all these outlines of feet on my floor and still no keys.

   When I do something stupid, my first thought is whether it would make a funny story or I should take it to my grave.