Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn't going to help me type any faster.

   I believe in equality. If we have a 5 day week of work, we should have 5 day weekends as well dammit.

   I say we bury Boston bomber, Tamerlan Tsarnaev's body at Westboro Baptist Church....

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   When I'm in the shower, why does every noise sound like my phone?

   The internet does not make people ignorant, it just makes their ignorance visible to everyone else.

   HA HA !! Kim Kardashian is Killing Kanye's Popularity ! What a D Bag !

   Only the married squirrels hurl themselves under car wheels.

   Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.

   I drink one glass of red wine a day for my health. The rest of the bottle is because I like being drunk.

   If you think you're having a bad day.. just remember, somebody is going to have Snooki as a mom

   I'm not an alcoholic, an alcoholic NEEDS a drink... I already have one

   I think you scientists did a great job of making old people's d-i-c-k-s hard. How 'bout you guys take a look at cancer and stuff now.

   Pediatricians just announced that trampolines are dangerous. In a related story, fire is hot…

   They key to forgiving somebody is to remember that sometimes, you're an a$$hole, too.

   They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I'm not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.

   I pride myself on being more tolerant than I really should be with the general public. With that being said, we are long overdue for another plague.

   Sorry I'm late my alarm didn't go off because I didn't set it because I don't like coming here

   I always hoped my kids wouldn't have to suffer the same things I had to. Then Michael Bolton comes back....

   The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.