Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a kid, my father sat me down and told me he had some pictures to show me that would help me to remember to always wear a condom.... Funny thing is that all the pics were of me

   YES!!! I kenw it!!! The world will not end in 2012 - I just found a bottle of ketchup that expires in 2013...

   The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

   Bummer about Yahoo losing market share. You can read more about it at Google News.

   I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation....

   Spell SWIMS upside down... this is going to blow your mind!

   when I was a kid the "parental control" button was a belt.

   Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

   Facebook needs to add "still banging my ex" as a relationship status option.

   I CAN'T STAND BLACK GIRLS WITH BLONDE HAIR . LOOKING LIKE A DAMN DURACELL BATTERY

   You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.

   As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it's important that you lower your expectations.

   The arrival of pubic hair means, "Welcome to the prime of your life". The arrival of ear hair means, "Thanks for playing"

   #LADIES!, Wanna know if your man cheating ? Snatch his phone run in the bathroom if he try to kick the door down "You aren't the only one"

   if you ask me my sign so you can see if we're compatible or not, I'll save you the suspense... we're not.

   Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   Can't afford anti-depressants so I'm just drinking No More Tears® shampoo.

   2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up

   So I saw a butterfly with no wings today, I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned...

   I watch so much of the Investigation Discovery channel, I can kill you and make it look like the Easter Bunny did it.